Tips For Concealing Your Hideous Conjoined Twin
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series in which our experts provide everything you need to know about a multitude of endeavors. This week we’ll be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To Concealing Your Conjoined Twin.
It’s a fact of life: Everybody has a conjoined twin. Another fact of life: One of the twins is always much more attractive than the other. That twin is you, meaning you’ve got this uggo siphoning your nutrients and passively maintaining their repulsive appearance. And an ugly conjoined twin can affect both your career and personal life; nobody wants to promote or date someone with a gross twin. Since the doctors say that separation would kill you both, you need another, more practical solution. We recommend trying any number of the following:
1. Cover Your Twin In Stickers
Band stickers, bumper stickers, those “26.2” ones—people will look right past the living organism on your person. Use enough, and strangers may even think your ugly twin is a laptop somebody in a coffee shop is using to write their sad little screenplay. And nobody wants to linger on that.
2. Strategically Place A Book In Front Of Their Ugly Face
There’s so much to be gained from self-help books. No, don’t read them—just buy one (it doesn’t matter which) and prop it up on your ugly twin’s chest, in front of their face. Others will think you’re reading it, and that you’re dedicated to positive change.
3. Make People Think It’s Just Gout
Clothe your conjoined twin in a body-covering garment that matches your mutual skin tone. Boom: They’re a big, skin-colored lump, and a dead ringer for gout. And guess what? Gout is a sign of wealth, indicating to passersbys that you can afford to eat delicious, fatty meats and are 100% winning at life.
4. Use Glamor … But Like, The Vampire Kind
Glamour magazine says the best way to conceal imperfections is through actual concealer. But that’s unfortunately not gonna cut it when that imperfection is an actual sentient human attached to your body. Instead, try magically hypnotizing people into ignoring your unattractive twin. (Note: This only works for vampires.)
5. Hug It Out
Say a new beau or lady friend is coming your way and you don’t have time for one of these other solutions. If you’re in a hurry, just reach over and hug your twin. It will look like you’re being nice to an ugly person, which will make you look as good as having an unattractive conjoined twin makes you look bad.
Let us know if we missed any!