How To Give A Memorable Wedding Toast Without Mentioning The Bride Ate Her Twin In Utero
It’s such an honor to be asked to speak at your friend’s wedding, but it can also be very stressful. Right now, I’m attempting to put down a few words on paper about my lifelong friend, Jennifer, and of course, I’m having that classic problem: trying not to mention that she ate her twin in utero.
Jesus, there must be something else memorable about Jen, right? Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see. One time, she thought she saw French Stewart at Kroger, but it was just an old guy with spiky hair and bad vision. She still tells that story a lot, for some reason.
I mean, it wouldn’t be so difficult if the twin story weren’t soooo good. Most people just absorb their twin, but she actually ate hers. Her mom just knew something was wrong, so she went to the doctor and they watched the whole thing on the sonogram machine. A bunch of interns came in to watch it, and they all just held hands and cried. One of the doctors just took off his stethoscope, walked out of the room, and never doctored ever again. It was so messed up.
Jen’s favorite food is plain crackers. Her favorite color is beige. The only place she’s ever been on vacation is Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, and she’s been there 37 times. She also thought she saw Armie Hammer at her gym once. It also wasn’t him.
Did I mention that as she was eating her twin, she was looking right at the sonogram machine? Like she knew it was there and loved having the audience. Every single person in the room felt like she was making direct eye contact with them. Her mother can’t talk about it without crying a little bit.
I mean, she does talk about it. She tells the story every year at Jen’s birthday party and it’s honestly the best part, mainly because Jen isn’t very good at picking a party theme. Her tenth birthday party theme was C-SPAN. We all wore pantsuits and had a mock debate about budget cuts to infrastructure. Jen lost.
Maybe I should try to focus on the couple’s relationship? In most instances, I feel like this would work really well … just maybe not for Jen and Brian. I once heard Brian call her “Jorn,” which is not only not her name but not anyone’s name.
Her Mom has coffee once a year with all the doctors who were in the room when it happened. At first, she thought it was kind of a support group thing, but over time, she started to suspect the doctors all made a pact to kill Jen if she turned out evil. Her Mom keeps telling them “She’s fine, you guys, she’s a dental hygienist, not the antichrist, it’s chill,” but they don’t really believe her.
Meanwhile, Jen just sits on her little beige couch, watching C-SPAN and eating her saltines. The most boring, unassuming girl ever, and there’s this whole awesome secret society out there, just a heartbeat away from murdering her if people start disappearing from her dentist’s office. So let’s raise a glass to Jen and Brian, two people who are together now, and only one of them viciously ate their sibling pre-birth.
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