Mark has written for Cracked, the Modern Rogue, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the Atlantic, Motherboard, the Daily Dot, and a bunch of other places that he can't remember off the top of his head. He also writes most of the nation's grocery lists.
I’m Sorry My Gender Reveal Party Caused ‘The Scourge’
There was literally no way to prevent this.
Bring Meaning To Your Life With This New Wellness Product
Sometimes it feels like, no matter how large your crystal collection, no matter how many organic recipes you master, it’s simply never enough to fill the void you feel tugging at your soul.
I Empathize With Women Who Experience Ovipositor Pain Or Whatever
I think the single most frustrating part of being a woman must be when men don’t take you seriously. As I was explaining to my sister the other day, this problem springs from a refusal to listen to and understand women’s issues. But as a strong male ally, I always completely get what women are […]
It’s Cool That Your Mom Is So Sex Positive
The fact that women are still criticized for expressing their sexual autonomy is a serious problem. No one should be made to feel guilty for openly and honestly pursuing consensual pleasure. Which is why it’s sincerely admirable that your mom is as open to the public as a library. Too many women, through absolutely no […]
What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we […]
I Slept With Your Wife Because Everything Happens For a Reason
The universe is a funny place. It may seem cold and inscrutable, but a spiritual person like me can recognize that it has a habit of punishing vices and rewarding virtues. Why, just the other day, an alcoholic acquaintance of mine was diagnosed with cirrhosis. If that wasn’t the universe trying to send him a […]
They’re Just Like Us! My Dog Is Also Clinically Depressed
Dogs are amazing creatures. They’re intelligent, empathetic, and they care so much about their owners that, at times, they even come to resemble them. Why, just take my adorable li’l pupper! When I watch tennis on TV, he’s right there with me following the ball, and even pawing at it with his foofins! And when […]
Bunny Ears Reviews Four Incredible Lifestyle Products
We know you’re a discerning consumer with impeccable taste. Because you want and deserve the best, we’ve hand-selected a few popular products and given them rigorous reviews to ensure they’re worth your time and money. We’re tough critics, but we think you’ll also find us fair. Travel Acupuncture Kit We all know that acupuncture soothes […]
BREAKING NEWS: Bunny Ears Has Settled Our Live Wolf Therapy Lawsuit
In the interest of full disclosure, Bunny Ears, LLC would like to announce that we have reached a $145,000 settlement with the FTC regarding our promotion of live wolf therapy. Furthermore, we have agreed to reimburse any reader who attended a live wolf therapy session hosted or endorsed by Bunny Ears and felt misled as […]
How To Win The Social Media “Most Wounded Person” Award
Despondence and self-loathing suck, but what sucks even more is not profiting from yours. How often have you been on Facebook or Twitter, complaining that your life is a bleak pit of despair, only for someone to come along and mention that, in addition to their near unspeakable level of existential malaise, their cat just […]
How To Make The Perfect Fried Rice—And I Mean Perfect
So you want to learn how to make my perfect fried rice? Of course you do. My perfect fried rice is nirvana incarnate. It’s made grown men weep. Asking someone if they want my fried rice recipe is like asking someone if they want to glimpse the face of God. Who’s going to say no? […]
How To Use Healing Crystals To Cure Your Cancer (Maybe? Don’t Quote Us)
There’s no denying that healing crystals have incredible power.1 But just how far does this power go? We’ve used and endorsed crystals to cure headaches, colds, and other common aliments,2 but today we’re here to tell you that, when applied correctly, crystals can do so much more.3 They can even help you overcome cancer, as […]
How To Raise Your Child With Only What Nature Provides
Raising a child is arguably harder than it’s ever been. The modern world contains countless dangers that can stunt a child’s development, from processed foods to television to vaccines. And the cost of finding safe alternatives can add up in a hurry—but don’t despair! We’re here to explain how you can affordably raise your child […]
These Stories Are So Spiritually Inspirational That We Couldn’t Bring Ourselves To Fact Check Them
We all need a dose of inspiration now and then, and nothing helps us continue to live life to the fullest like epic inspirational stories of someone absolutely rocking their spiritual side. These particular stories inspired us so much that we couldn’t face it if we found out they weren’t true, so we didn’t bother to […]
How To Channel The Energy Of The Child Workers And Dead Birds Trapped In Your Healing Crystals
Hello, crystal fans! If you’ve been keeping up with my column, Crystal Chronicles, then by now you’ve heard the bad news: some of our beloved healing crystals are being sourced from mines with lax labor and environmental laws. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, children as young as seven work in mines. In Myanmar, […]
Do I Still Have To Have My Dick Out For Harambe?
Hey, so, this is kind of a weird question, but do I still have to have my dick out for Harambe? I’ve had it out all this time, but is that a thing we’re all still doing? Or did we accomplish … uh, whatever it was we were trying to accomplish? It was awareness for […]
I Lived Off Food Stamps For A Week And Now I’m Spearheading A Communist Revolution
Did you know that an estimated 42.6 million Americans are on food stamps? That’s crazy, right? We often ignore the struggles of this significant segment of American society, so I decided to live on the budget of an average food stamp-recipient for one whole week. My assumption was that, by living like a poor person […]
We Talked To Some Unsuccessful, But Very Spiritual People About Their Work Habits
Do you find it hard to stay motivated in both your professional life and your spiritual one? Don’t despair! We asked some of the most spiritual people we could find to tell us how they find that all-important balance, and we think you’ll find their answers… enlightening. Krystal, 27 (Yoga Instructor) “Yoga is obviously extremely […]
I Unplugged For Two And A Half Hours And Now I’m An Objectively Better Person Than You
I was like you, once. Obsessed with my online reputation, getting into pointless arguments on Twitter, refreshing my news feeds every five seconds. I was wasting my life away, one click at a time. But then I stepped away from the Internet for a while and taught myself an important lesson about what really matters […]
Gender Reveal Party Ideas So Good That Everyone Will Be Talking About Your Baby’s Genitals For Months
So you want to announce the gender of your unborn child, and you want that announcement to be as garish as possible. We totally get you. But how do you make your gender reveal party stand out amidst balloons, confetti, piñatas, and cupcakes? You have to think big — as big as the belly that’s about […]
Living Off The Grid Is Super Healthy If You’re Already Lucky Enough To Be Healthy
I freed myself from the trappings of modernity to live amongst nature, and it was the healthiest decision I ever made. Here, in my simple cabin in the woods, the wilderness is my antidepressant, the herbs I grow are my medication, and my nagging cough is trivial compared to the majestic beauty that surrounds me […]
Absolute Must-Have Horoscope #SquadsGoals (Finally In One Place)!
Horoscope squads, assemble! While every horoscope sign is unique, there’s no denying that some traits overlap and form some seriously awesome squads! Study up, figure out the traits that you have in common, and learn how to slay your way through the month of May, bae! The Most Likely To Fake a Sick Day Squad: […]
What To See in Asia If You’re Pressed For Time And Only Interested In Bragging on Social Media
So, you’ve been given the exciting opportunity to travel to Asia, huh? Congratulations! But let us guess—your time there is limited, and you’re unsure of what sights and experiences you should prioritize so you can score some sick social media pics. That’s understandable, because Asia is huge! It has over five countries, and they all […]
Anyone Can Travel The World And Blog Just Like Me!
Do you long to see the world, but are stuck in a job that’s sucking the life out of you? Do you vacillate between looking at pictures of Bali and praying for the sweet release of death? I was like you once. But now instead of working to travel, I travel to work. And today, […]