Goat Yoga Is So Last Season, So We’re Testing Out All These Animals We Stole From The Zoo
Our balanced, centered Bunny Ears team knows you’ve devoted yourself to the ancient practice of yoga. Which is why we like to keep you up-to-date on the latest yoga trends (but not the lame and boring ones, like “cultural awareness”).
And it’s official: Goat yoga is out. We know you invested in a handy goat several months back, but it’s time to let Mister BaBaaa go to where all good goats do (the slaughterhouse off I-5). That being said, this definitely doesn’t mean other forms of animal-based yoga can’t be in. And that’s why we here at Bunny Ears spent our weekend robbing the local zoo of everything we could stuff in a trailer and our pants.
We hightailed it to a destination yoga retreat/well-guarded fortress, and here’s the results of our trials!
From the moment we started our first asana with this smug bastard, we knew we were in the wrong class. So far, capybara yoga consists of him staring at our ass in silent judgment, which is literally no different than Hot Yoga with Ethan at BodyWerks. On the plus side, his head makes an excellent yoga block substitute…if you can handle those beady, holier-than-thou eyes staring up at you.
Score: One grey enlightenment bead.
When we snuck into the gerenuk paddock after dark and offered seven of these girls alfalfa laced with molly, we thought we’d finally found the perfect yoga pals. After all, perspiration comes from inspiration, and what could be more inspiring than a skinny gazelle that looks fresh off the runway? Unfortunately, the gerenuks got bored and preferred to cluster together, talking shit and eating the bark off our baobob tree while we were distracted in child’s pose.
Score: One pint of chi.
Hatha yoga is for wusses, which is why we stole this harpy eagle to pump up our power poses. Harpy eagles are notorious for murdering medium-sized mammals while looking fabulous. You’ll certainly remember to hold your stomach in alignment when you’re sucking it away from her flesh-tearing beak! And feel free to throw in a little invigorating yoga-kickboxing to keep her off your eyeballs. Do not, under any circumstances, adopt cat pose.
Score: Three blood transfusions.
Fuck this showboat. Go to pilates, you screechy teal bitch.
Score: Nothing. Go to hell. You aren’t prettier than me.
We don’t understand how anyone could live without a 300,000-gallon saltwater pool for rejuvenation and family fun, especially when it’s also perfect for this orca we airlifted in Elon Musk’s orca-extracting submarine helicopter.
If you’ve ever been to SeaWorld, you’ll likely already know all about the orca’s flexibility and depression—which makes her the perfect yoga pal. She can help you stretch to new heights as you meditate together on the necessity of animal cruelty for human enjoyment. You’ll even break your bad habit of breath- holding as she playfully drags you down to the bottom of the pool.
Score: One Reincarnation.
Some Fucking Pig Thing
We didn’t even try to kidnap this weirdo, especially once zoo security was on our backs. But he just kept showing up goddamn everywhere. Seriously, why is the zoo like seven cool animals and then 150 enclosures of weird-ass tall pigs and sheep who have lived a little? He kinda sucks at yoga, but makes a decent balance board. It’s like standing on a snoring toothbrush!
Score: Three, idk, pig points? Pigs have no place in yoga.
Overall, there are a wide variety of animals that can serve as your targeted yoga companions. The most important thing is to choose an animal close to your fitness level who shares your values as an experimental yogi. Now, if you need us, we’ll be getting blazed with a bunch of koalas high up in our eucalyptus tree where the heavy leaf canopy hides us from those police helicopters circling overhead. Namasté.