As we slip loose from the bonds of summer and barrel mouth-first into the three-month period known as “The Holidays,” there’s weight-gain danger around every corner. And the biggest contributor to holiday weight gain is the adorable munchkins, bright-eyed grannies, and brunch-loving fillies we call friends and family. That’s why, this year, I’m ditching those slim-thigh saboteurs and staying skinny all season long. Take that, Grandma.
STEP ONE: Cold Turkey
The first step toward alienating my friends and family in preference of my beautiful, angular hip-V is to stop talking to them. As far as I’m concerned all those holiday cards and cheerful seasonal texts are nothing but attempts to draw me into a tangled web of gingerbread and cellulite. I will NOT answer my mom’s calls; I will NOT go to my friend Eileen’s cookie-decorating party even though her husband just left and she could “really use some support right now,” and you’d better believe I’m ignoring those calls from the assisted-living community where Grandma Hydrangea lives. I may be her emergency contact, but the true emergency is that size 000 Christmas dress waiting for me at Bergdorfs.
STEP TWO: Ghost Them
Of course, I’m going to get invited to a shindig or two. Whether it’s Thanksgiving drinks, Christmas drinks, or drinking because it’s Wednesday, who can resist inviting me? You might think the smart move here is to reject all invitations, but you’re thinking too small! Instead, I’m accepting every invite I get, then ghosting those suckers like my name is Jacob Marley. Why? Because it will make it super clear to my friends what I value most: Me. And specifically, not them.
STEP THREE: Sabotage Traditions
Every family has cherished holiday traditions that reinforce family values and bring back happy childhood memories. I would never dream of missing my family’s annual trip to the Christmas tree farm, full of candy canes and hot mugs of cider. That’s why I’m sabotaging that garbage this year. It turns out the little old couple who runs the farm hasn’t updated to the 2018 guidelines for organic tree farming; so, really, I had no choice but to burn down their snack shack in protest. Turns out evergreens are flammable, too. Who knew?
STEP FOUR: Stand Your Ground
I’m patting myself on the back for making it all the way to 2019 without an extra ounce on me. Honestly, as with every sensible diet, alienating my loved ones over the holidays involved some sacrifice. I was really hoping to be the front-runner for Grandma Hydrangea’s lake house, for one (which is apparently off the table after the whole “disinheriting me” thing). And sure, while everyone around me enjoyed the warmth of their friends and family this season, I was shivering alone through six layers of clothes as my body plunged below 8% body fat.
But nothing feels as good as fitting into these designer skinny jeans. Not even basic human connection.