Jessica Ellis is a filmmaker in LA, has written for HelloGiggles and The Toast, and can be found offering free pies on twitter at @baddestmamajama. She has a limited amount of time for your nonsense.
Which Christmas Tree Is Right For Your Empty, Loveless Apartment?
Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.
Mask Your Depression By Telling Everyone You’re A Hibernating Bear
Because therapy is hard.
I’m Only Taking Parenting Advice From Killer Whales From Now On
Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.
If You Really Love Fall You’ll Eat These Fucking Yellow Leaves
You SAY it’s your favorite season. Prove it.
Cat Breeds To Adopt If Your Landlord Doesn’t Allow Good Pets, Like A Dog
Like, brown ones, maybe?
Fall Recipes For Your Kids To Try While You Fuck Their Gym Teacher
PB&J is fall, right?
I’m Building A Neighborhood Garden No Matter What My Asshole Neighbors Say
Those ingrates will thank me later.
Back-To-School Sales For Regressing Back To When You Had Hope
Yes, the earth is dying, but check out these glitter pens!
We’re Out Of Cute Mythological Animals, So Let’s Be Harpies, Ladies!
Because it’s literally all that’s left.
Hunting Care Bears: Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should
Protecting endangered cartoon animals like the Care Bears is a moral duty
Is It Ethical To Put Sunscreen On Total Strangers?
“We’re all in this together, so stop squirming.”
Everything That’s Gonna Bite You On This Summer Hiking Trip
Heading out into the wilderness for some hiking is a great way to reconnect with your true self and get your ass bit by majestic nature.
Questions You’re Too Afraid To Ask Your Doctor About How Robots Have Sex
The most important questions you should definitely ask your doctor about robot sex, no matter how awkward you or they feel.
Healthy Twists On Picnic Favorites Literally No One Wants You To Make
Have you tried apple slices and cinnamon?!
The Most Instagrammable Ways To Die This Summer
Sure, death is forever. But so is the perfect instagram pic!
Our Guide To The Most Terrifyingly Authentic Renaissance Faires of 2019
Like the Harvard Yard Festival, where stake-burning is encouraged!
How To Tell When Your House Plants Are Sick Of Listening To You Talk
Do you know the signs?
Our Marshmallow Diet Lets You Camp In The Woods For Weeks Without Pooping!
Marshmallows are basically nature’s intestinal glue.
This Summer’s Hottest Diet Is Staring At The Ocean Thinking About Food
There’s so many kinds of foods you can think about!
The Ferret Vagina Moon And Other Powerful Moon Phases We Just Made Up
Have you heard of the Waxing Ex Crescent moon?
’90s School Lunches That Mean Your Mom Didn’t Care
We’re sorry to be the ones to break it to you.
Don’t Just Minimize Your Pores, Psychologically Destroy Them
Humiliate them until they dissolve in shame and fear.
Summer’s Hottest Trend: Replacing Your Corneas With Buttons
The blindness is SO worth it.
Enjoy Horse Racing Ethically By Volunteering As The Horse
Getting whipped with a tiny man on your back has never felt so good!
Our Vacation Packing Guide Is So Light, You’ll Die Of Exposure
Vacation should be about leaving your old life and tired connections behind, along with most of your clothes and ALL of your money!
Yellow Is For Fuck Buddies: Learn The New Romantic Language Of Roses
Roses are still the flowers of romance, but if you are giving anyone a bouquet of white roses for their purity in 2019, you need to update your ideas.
Which Classic ’80s Board Game Is Responsible For Your Anxiety Disorder?
Do you panic during surgery? Do you constantly fear getting lost in the mall?
Biodegradable Workout Equipment You’ll Only Use Once Anyway
Want to save the planet AND keep being an unimprovable slob? Our biodegradable work-out equipment lets you finally feel good about doing nothing!
These Trendy Salads Were Recalled But Oh God We’re Gonna Eat Them Anyway
The hottest new salad proteins are hopefully maggots, because that’s definitely what’s in this trendy salad pack we bought three weeks ago!
Savory Ice Cream Flavors Created by Some Monster
Check out our reviews of these actual savory ice cream flavors apparently made by demon aliens who want to ruin everything you love in this world.
We Apologize for Endorsing Sex with Men
Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.
Great Ways To Sneak In Some Day Drinking This Mother’s Day
Drinking on Mother’s Day won’t help your partner and children truly appreciate you, but it WILL get you through another day without murder charges!
If You Ate Those Charcoal Ice Cream Cones You Now Have 24 Hours to Live
We were first to tell you to try charcoal ice cream cones, so let us also be the first to add some unfortunate news!
The Newest Spring Color Is Gray Because All The Plants Have Died
We might be living in a lifeless, barren wasteland, but it’s nothing a little color wouldn’t spruce up if we hadn’t killed every color but grey!
Our Festival Season Guide To The Most Luxe Antibiotics
Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.
Dreamy Spring Beach Escapes That Are Already Booked By Better People
Bad news: you won’t be taking a glorious spring beach escape this year. Good news: We found out who booked your spot, and they’re so much cooler than you!
Use Your Wedding Gift Registry To Ensure Your Guests Know You Fuck Hard
Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!
Revive Your Marriage In Three Easy Steps and $15 Million in Gold Bullion
Your marriage is more like gold than you think, which is why you should invest in both your love and this incredibly stable currency form TODAY!