Jessica Ellis is a filmmaker in LA, has written for HelloGiggles and The Toast, and can be found offering free pies on twitter at @baddestmamajama. She has a limited amount of time for your nonsense.
Our Festival Season Guide To The Most Luxe Antibiotics
Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.
Dreamy Spring Beach Escapes That Are Already Booked By Better People
Bad news: you won’t be taking a glorious spring beach escape this year. Good news: We found out who booked your spot, and they’re so much cooler than you!
Use Your Wedding Gift Registry To Ensure Your Guests Know You Fuck Hard
Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!
Return To The Pagan Roots Of Easter By Shooting Eggs Out Your Vag
And the eggs are hard boiled, so brunch is served!
Revive Your Marriage In Three Easy Steps and $15 Million in Gold Bullion
Your marriage is more like gold than you think, which is why you should invest in both your love and this incredibly stable currency form TODAY!
Faking No-Makeup Selfies: A Hate Crime Against Actually Beautiful Women
Your imperfections aren’t a good enough reason to appropriate the last art form of truly beautiful women – the no-makeup selfie.
Ways To Find Love Before You Die Tragically On Valentine’s Day
If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)
Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.
We Found The Key To Stop Aging But It Involves Skinning These Puppies
It’s just science.
Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
The Newest Eco-Cleaning Trend Is Living In Squalor!
Live in the natural squalor you deserve.
I’m Wearing This Cone To Better Empathize With My Dog
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
These Winter Turtlenecks Will Make The Most Of Your Choking Fetish
Yes, if you long for a really fuzzy pair of hands around your throat these amazing winter turtlenecks are the perfect way to blend your kink with your couture!
It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
Six Countries We Should Be Doing More To Exploit
Have you heard of Tanzania? We hadn’t!
Your Baby Daddy Is Zeus Disguised As A Shower Of Gold: Own It!
He’s a sexy liar god, and that’s hot!
The Newest Therapy Trend: Telling The Grocery Clerk How Sad You Are
A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.
The Hottest Snow Gear You Can Still Fuck In
We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.
Mask Your Depression By Telling Everyone You’re A Hibernating Bear
Because therapy is hard.
These New Twists On Hot Cocoa Might Literally Save Your Life
Fellow spiritual siblings, if you’ve been on a vision journey over the last 12 months, you may be blissfully preparing for the season of peace and joy. Unfortunately, here on the bodily plane, it turns out that everything everywhere is now terrible. But nothing can stop the lighting of the menorah or the trimming of […]
Which Christmas Tree Is Right For Your Empty, Loveless Apartment?
Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.
Holiday Dating Hack: Just Fuck Your Cousins?
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
Let Go Of Toxic Relationships: Ignore The Homeless Kittens In Your Shed
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
How To Be A ‘Cool Aunt’ Just To Get Revenge On Your Sibling
Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.
Diagnosing Your STDs Through Musical Theater: The Music Man Edition
Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.
Festive Seasonal Mugs That Zero People Want From You This Christmas
Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’
Goddess Problems: When The Pegasus You Summoned Is Kind Of A Dick
Sometimes your pegasus is a god damn pegadick.
Increase Your Positivity: Respond To Criticism With Lyrics From ‘Rent’
To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese!
Train Your Adorable New Puppy By Negging The Shit Out Of It
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
You Will Not Look Good In Any Of These Chic Seasonal Hats
Don’t even bother trying to cover up that horrible potato head
I’m Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain By Alienating My Friends And Family
Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.
I Adopted My Thanksgiving Turkey But It’s Still Dead
Why is Thanksgiving so damn complicated?
My Grandma’s Thanksgiving Recipes Taught Me To Understand That Bitch
For my family, Thanksgiving was always a time of communion, of considering our gratitude, and of worsening our hereditary TMJ by grinding our teeth while my grandmother berated my girl cousins and I for wasting our lives without a man. As the mashed potatoes were passed and the gravy was poured, we all tried to […]
My Ideal Mate Is Still A Plural Marriage With Most Of The New Kids On The Block
Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.
You Have To Try These Stuffing Recipes In Your Vagina
I’ve got stuffing in the oven, and I don’t mean the one in my kitchen!
Animal Fruit Carvings So Adorable You’ll Dedicate Your Life To Keeping Them Alive At ALL Costs
Everyone needs a good post-divorce craft project, even if it means building a whole new family who will never desert me out of fruit.
We Made Andrea Try Aerial Yoga Even Though She Begged Us To Just Let Her Work
At first, Andrea was hesitant to take our suggestion that she try aerial yoga for this article, which we respectfully acknowledged. Then she started screaming.
I’m Only Taking Parenting Advice From Killer Whales From Now On
Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.
I Just Realized Green Juice Is Cold Soup And I Am Going To End These Bastards
You better hope your colon is in order, because I’m about to blow the shit straight out of you.
Why Does Everyone Keep Telling Me My Hunger Strike Is A Great Idea And I Should Stick To It?
I didn’t expect anyone to understand the sacrifice I was making through my hunger strike, but I really didn’t expect them to vehemently insist I keep going.
It’s Not Too Late To Start Knitting A Fall Scarf You Will Never Finish
Autumn is the perfect time to tackle a project like knitting a beautiful scarf, one that could finesse your whole look if you finished it, which you won’t.
The French Model: Teaching Your Child to Eat Like A Perfect Little Asshole
Turn your stupid fat American child into a glorious, perfectly-behaved little Madeline thanks to a strict French diet!
What Your Favorite Color Says About The Day You’ll Die
Your favorite color reveals both your preferences for physical and spiritual connections, but also some pretty graphic details about how you’ll snuff it.
Which Fight Should You Have With Mom On Thanksgiving
Let’s skip over how much weight your going to gain this year and use your holiday horoscope the way everyone should: to ward off angry moms.