Enjoy Horse Racing Ethically By Volunteering As The Horse

June 11, 2019 by , featured in Lifestyle
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Horse racing. The glorious sport of kings. Is there anything posher than putting on a big hat and dropping some sixpence on the ponies? Well, it turns out, yes, there are many posher things that also do not involve whipping and tormenting large, gentle animals. Oops. Luckily, realizing that horse racing is pretty problematic doesn’t mean you need to give it up entirely. In fact, I’ve decided to make horse racing ethical again by nobly volunteering to take the place of a horse.

Horsing Around

Finding a racing team that was willing to substitute me in for a full-sized horse was admittedly tricky. Most of them laughed me out of the room, a few hit me with their riding crops, and one loosed their hounds upon me (even though I explicitly said I was volunteering as an equine, not a hunting fox). Luckily, I was able to find a team that had just shot their horse.

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Despite what you may think, my life isn’t too different now that I’m a self-sacrificing racehorse. I wake up early, get in a quick workout, and then grab breakfast. It’s just the workout is now galloping around a track with a tiny man on my back and my breakfast is a large feedbag of oats and alfalfa.

Racing To A Revelation

I’ll admit, the first few times I tried ethical horse racing as the horse weren’t easy. Saddles are heavy, and the human body isn’t really designed for them. Plus, having a man on your back yelling while he whips you is way less pleasant than it looks in porn. But most of all, do you know that other horses bite? They definitely bite.

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Still, the first time we won (disclaimer, I was on a lot of amphetamines), and I had that big collar of roses draped around my neck, I realized that I’d been misguided. The horses deserve the glory and the roar of the crowd in their ears! I was wrong to take that away from them! Unfortunately, when I tried to communicate this via whinnying, they locked me back in my stable. Also, I feel like I just heard someone say something about “getting the gun.”

Featured Image: Pixabay


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