These Trendy Salads Were Recalled But Oh God We’re Gonna Eat Them Anyway

There is nobody who loves a trendy salad more than us, bunny buddies! We believe in organic ingredients, innovative ideas, and flowers you can eat, but more importantly, we do not believe in labels, even those that say “expired” or “recalled by order of the F.D.A.” That’s why we can’t wait to share with you our favorites among these amazing new salad creations that were mailed to us last month and we totally forgot were on the counter until today!

Tuna Avocado Boat Salad

When we saw this protein-packed, updated tuna salad sitting in a hollowed-out avocado half, we knew we were in for a treat. It was concerning that the warm tuna had actually rebirthed into little squiggly tuna tadpoles and the avocado half had shriveled into an avocado raisin, but then we realized it’s just portable sashimi, really!  This recalled salad was light and flavorful and full of healthy, filling fats and maggots, and the resulting parasitic infection left us detoxed and 8 lbs. lighter! Definitely a winner.

Southwest Savory Salad

This spicy mix starts with romaine lettuce grown directly under free-range chickens while sour and zesty flavors from fermented salsa add healthy botulism prebiotics, but our favorite element is the sprouts, even if the research has shown that 80–97% of samples are heavily contaminated with E. coli. We don’t even have a joke for that. Sprouts exist to kill you. After a week of constant, unyielding diarrhea, you’ll be ready for more.

A Simple Bowl Of Kale

At first, this unusually simple salad offering confused us. Without anchovies or diseased lettuces, we didn’t understand the “Banned By F.D.A.” and “Oh God, Not The Coyotes” labels. However, when our expert testing panel of interns tried it, chewing raw, undressed kale had an unusual effect. Specifically, it summoned eight packs of coyotes. As expected of prey, the interns promptly scampered, so we can’t argue with the labels. We’ve even heard back from one of the interns, who is currently standing in the middle of Silver Lake, ringed by coyotes and presumably enjoying how heart-healthy they feel.

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