You Legally Can’t Stop Us From Saying These Recipes Are Brownies

Who doesn’t love chocolatey, chewy, delicious brownies? Aren’t they just your favorite? Well, TOUGH. Who wants to bite into a dessert and have it taste exactly as delicious as you remember? No. It’s 2020, and life is now all about finding lackluster approximations for the foods we once loved and convincing ourselves they’re “really just as good—maybe even better!” So in the spirit of a holier-than-thou, health-conscious lifestyle, we’re calling literally anything we want a healthy brownie recipe—and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop us.

These Hippy Dippy Brownies

We’ll start off easy. These are technically almost brownie shaped, and we put a whole teaspoon of raw organic cacao in them. So really, when you start bitching that these are actually granola bars, we can say, “That’s not true, they’re chocolate!” And according to the legal system in most countries, you can’t punch us for doing this. But you want to know a secret? They ARE just granola bars. We know it, you know it, and you can’t do anything, anything at all, about us continuing to call this a healthy brownie recipe.

These Spicy Mexican Brownies

Need a brownie recipe you can spice up for Cinco De Mayo? We don’t have one! What we do have is this salsa. It’s made of tomatoes, onions and peppers, and there’s no chocolate or sugar whatsoever. So what makes it a brownie? We’re going to put it in a brownie pan and just call it that. Honestly, what are you going to do? You think the police will help you out on this one? Nope. You’re just going to have to live with these at our next office potluck.

These Keto Brownies

Ahh, at last, brownies exactly like our cavemen ancestors ate! This year’s hottest new diet isn’t going to pass us bye, and that’s why we’re insisting this whole picnic ham is a brownie. Does it resemble a brownie in taste or texture? Sure—we’re gonna say it does. Ham is, after all, made from pigs. And what do pigs love? Truffles. And what are truffles? Chocolate! So sorry, Mr. “This Isn’t A Brownie It’s Just a Chunk Of Ham,” we’ve got logic on our side. Now hang on while we slice these brownies. It’s kinda hard to cut through the fat.

So seriously. Just try to tell us these healthy brownie recipes aren’t brownies. We dare you.

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