We Made Andrea Try Aerial Yoga Even Though She Begged Us To Just Let Her Work

November 12, 2018 by
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Workplace culture is one of the five sacred pillars of a successful business. As the spiritually-satisfying gig economy has lead to longer hours, lower pay, and zero job security, it’s more important than ever to make safe, respectful, and comfortable work environments a priority. Which is why we decided to strap our new hire, Andrea, to the ceiling for some aerial yoga.

It was a big, big week for new experiences at our startup. Alberto was off investigating new developments in scented-candle masks and ended up in the burn unit. Vienetta was trying out lava-skiing on the Big island and ended up in the burn unit. And Fin, coincidentally, was just in the burn unit. Everyone was carrying out important tasks to make our office culture the envy of the ‘gram.

aerial yoga
This isn’t Andrea. We had to use a stock photo of some rando because Andrea wouldn’t let us use her pic for the site.

But Andrea was just sitting at her desk day in and day out. She kept taking papers from her inbox, working on them, completing them, and putting them in her outbox. All. Day. It was throwing off our Pilates groove on our reformer desks, so we knew something had to be done.

At first, Andrea was hesitant to take our suggestion that she try aerial yoga for this article, which we respectfully acknowledged. She wanted to make sure she met all her weekly quotas, which we agreed was important. Then she started screaming as we pulled her away from her desk and towards the aerial yoga pop-up, which we recognized as her right to free expression. We did stuff a massage ball in her mouth though, because the screaming upset our office llama.

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aerial yoga
Probably a face Andrea would make if she let us take her stupid picture to use for this piece.

As a team of entrepreneurs, we can tell you there’s nothing more beautiful than watching your employees’ capacity stretch—as Andrea’s arms did towards the potted ficus she hoped would be her anchor to the ground (it only entangled her further in her yoga silk, however). It took some coaxing, but we finally got her into a comfortable enclosed starting position.

Of course, despite our affirmative chanting, she refused to come out of the enclosed position. There comes a time when mother birds must help their babies leave the nest, and embracing that ethos, we dumped her out a little bit.

Preferring to ignore our guided poses, Andrea decided to adopt her own, free-form interpretation of aerial yoga. We were impressed that she chose to eschew the egotistical ideal of gracefulness and just sorta flop around until she landed in a truly inspiring new position. We kept telling her to breathe, but she insisted she needed her inhaler for that.

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Kind of what she looked like in the class. God, Andrea’s the literal worst.

At around this point, she began to scream for someone, anyone, to help her. At our workplace, we know that asking for help is the first sign of trust, so we all vocalized how we were there for her while also refusing to let her down. She’d grown so much in just a few minutes, and we’d paid for the pop-up for a full two-hour session.

Eventually, her empowered shouting started to die off. She hung there limp in her yoga silks until we finally untied her. She was in a meditative state afterwards, refusing to speak, but making expressive facial gestures. We assume it’s because there was so much to process about her newfound love of aerial yoga.

aerial yoga
Andrea makes this face whenever she disagrees with something.

Visionaries always must remember that our minds are naturally more open than most; its up to us to force a crack in the consciousness of others and allow a little light through. We’re so glad we got Andrea to open her mind, and her hips, as much as possible.

We had to fire her, though. She didn’t meet her quotas.

Images: Pixabay, PixabayPixabay, Flickr/Studio N Photography, Flickr/Studio N Photography, Pixabay


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