Faking No-Makeup Selfies: A Hate Crime Against Actually Beautiful Women
We live in a world sadly burdened by cruelty. Greed, selfishness, and rampant consumerism leave children hungry, adults ignorant, and dogs bearing questionable terrier blood that should NOT have gotten into our pure shepherd line. But I think most of us, from Gwyneth to me, can agree that beautiful women are the biggest victims of all the cruelty our planet has to offer. That’s right, I’m bravely speaking about it: truly beautiful women are damaged daily by potato-faced Midwest 5s faking their no-makeup selfies on social media.
The viewpoints of naturally stunning women are easily dismissed as shallow. Society discards our personal essays about our terrifying ordeal in 8th grade when we went to a sleepover and forgot our silk pillowcase, even though the polyester nightmare we borrowed could have one day led to a facial wrinkle. (Although our DNA psychologist did assure us that our flawless genetics would likely save us from this tragic fate.)
No one wants to listen to us. No one sees the tears rolling down our frictionless cheeks with not a hint of snot or redness.
Yet some “people” insist on usurping our most treasured tradition — the make-up free selfie — and twisting it to fit their agendas. Oh, don’t think just because our skin has never known the touch of makeup that we don’t know when you’re sneaking concealer under those baggy eyes. We’re seeing every drop of BB cream that goes into blurring those… what are they called again? Pores! I mean it’s bad enough that you HAVE those, but to ABSCOND with the identity of pore-less women everywhere is, frankly, a hate crime. And I believe we should inform law enforcement.
Of course, I am not heartless. I understand that the lives of “normal women” have some value, at least according to some cultures. But the audacity of these women, talking about “every woman’s natural beauty” while sitting there with plucked eyebrows. I mean, the LYING. If your eyebrows don’t grow naturally into a fan-shaped crest that is somehow both delicate and bold you DON’T GET TO PRETEND YOU MATTER.
Apologies. I, of course, mean you don’t get to assume our identity.
The thing about the no-makeup selfie is that it’s really the only art-form granted to truly perfect women. Artists want to paint us, but they’re always filtering through their own imperfect viewpoints. (You should have SEEN what Banksy tried to do to my thighs.) Fashion houses use our bodies to model their clothes, but all they do is cover every inch us up, hiding our bodies, willy nilly.
Only in the makeup-free selfie can a woman born stunning truly reveal her self, her soul, her pain. Yes, pain! We, too, would like hearing, “you look tired” when we have the flu! But no, it’s always “My goodness, I never noticed how shiny your hair was until I held it back so you could puke!”
So ordinary women—I suppose you’re still considered women—of the world, take care. Just because you haven’t been given the gift of perfect beauty doesn’t mean that imitating it is okay.
If I were you…HAHAHAHAHA, that’s hysterical, I mean, can you imagine?? But if I were you, I would stick to admitting your imperfections. I know that somewhere, deep down, you believe that ALL beauty is manufactured. You think no one possibly could look as good as our no-makeup selfies proclaim. But this, according to our sponsorship agreements, is a sad lie. We really do just have lips like velvet cushions! BTW, you should get the Velvet Cushion lip liner because Maybe She’s Born With It…But You’re Not. #sponsored #ad.
Anyway, average girls, go out proudly in the makeup that lets you be in public without as much shame as you probably deserve. You may not be perfect, but at least you won’t be deceitful little bitches imitating your betters.
Ahem, I mean, your SISTERS.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…