It’s Okay To Eat Turkeys Because Turkeys Are Sinners
Anti-meat sentiment is hotter than ever. From philosophies about animal cruelty, to arguments that Earth will die if we don’t stop eating meat, it’s getting tough to justify consuming life’s most delicious foods. But I’ve discovered a great rationale for keeping turkey on the table this Thanksgiving: Turkeys are sinners. And we should send them straight to Hell.
I’m sure you’ve got lots of questions. “How can animals sin?” “Can turkeys really go to Hell?” “Do they go to ‘People Hell’ or is there a ‘Turkey Hell?'” Well friend, the answers are all “YES.” Firstly, Original Sin is a snake’s fault, so animals are fair game. When turkeys do things like hold other gods before Him and commit adultery, they know exactly what they’re doing—and it’s our duty to help God punish them. Also, FYI, everything can go to Hell, even cars (as proven by Stephen King). Turkeys ain’t special. And don’t forget—while turkeys do go to People Hell, there is also a Turkey Hell, which is called “Thanksgiving.” They suffer both, and they know why.
What, you think Thanksgiving isn’t a Hell? Think again. It’s a yearly event where an entire species is bred and slaughtered based on a completely fake history. Sounds Hellish to me! Plus, not only do we slaughter them, we jam their dead little butts full of dry bread, even though it makes them taste worse. That’s pure sadism. We even parade a lone “lucky” turkey around who gets a “pardon,” which allegedly shows how not-evil we are. But c’mon, that’s super evil! Face it: We’re Turkey Satan. And they deserve every torment we’ve got.
Oh I can hear you out there, asking things again. “What could turkeys possibly do to deserve that?” Simple: Turkeys are apostates. Filthy, gobbling apostates. For they worship Gobbler, a false idol from beyond the Turk Nebula. They say his rotting feathers weigh as heavy as lead, and his bloody wattle is made of man’s own flesh. When you hear turkeys chattering, they’re actually praying to their dark lord. They plead for dread Gobbler to come and strip the Earth of humankind, its rightful rulers. That’s as sinful as it gets!
So this year, don’t bother with substitutes. Carbon footprint, schmarbon footprint—let’s all put evil ol’ turkey on the table! Lest mighty Gobbler stuff us all.