We Tested All The Lubes And Now We’re Exhausted
Writing for a lifestyle brand means testing out a lot of lifestyle products. This can be incredibly demanding, especially when your friggin’ boss asks you to evaluate every single lube you can find on the internet. IT TOOK MONTHS. FOR THIS. For the first time in what has been over a year of working for this company/testing out various insane/questionable/downright problematic methods and products, I feel used. What follows is a tiny sample of the lubes we tested in-office (also, they are all from Amazon because they gave us a deal to plug their lubes). I’m so tired.
#LubeLife via Amazon
When you’re living your #bestlife, this is the only #lube for #youandyourpartner(s). This lubricant is water based, so you can use it with the #condoms that you’ve been waiting to test next because your boss insists that you test all the condoms. When we tried this we were still perky, wide-eyed, eager lifestyle bloggers. That innocence is #goneforever.
Passion Lubes via Amazon
Okay, we’re gonna be real, this is sold on Amazon, but we got it from our boss Shawn who just happened to be keeping it under his desk. We tried this out when we were about 50 lubes into our research, so the results were anything but passionate. However, we can say that this large bottle is perfect for a 35 person office—if that’s something that’s helpful to you. We don’t think individuals are buying these, especially not the ones in our demo. But Shawn said to test it so we did. Our genitals are exhausted.
Astroglide X via Amazon
An old classic with a twist. And that twist is that this lube is silicone-based and NOT CONDOM COMPATIBLE. After our merch manager filed several lawsuits and required not one, but three penicillin-based prescriptions, we ended up just testing this one out on our fingers and watermelons. This made us feel dirtier than any of the sex we had. Zero stars. Did we decide to rate the lubes on a scale of stars? I don’t remember. I’m so worn out.
Mountain Falls Lubricant Laxative Mineral Oil via Amazon
When we bought this we were two months into lube testing and just typing “lube” into search engines without paying attention. But I have to say, the results from this lube laxative were slightly better than the results of the engine lube. (Unrelated: Our office janitor quit and we’re currently taking applications.)
Aloe Cadabra Natural Personal Lube via Amazon
Welcome relief! This aloe-enriched lube is perfect for if your boss insists you test all the lubes in existence and you need some skin-calming ingredients. It’s probably good for if you have sex like a normal person, too (like, for pleasure?). We no longer know what pleasure is.
There you have it! A tiny, tiny selection of the lubes we were asked to try for this one article. WAS IT WORTH IT, SHAWN? HUH? WAS THIS 500 WORD ARTICLE WORTH IT? God, this is humiliating.