Travel the World Without Leaving Home With One Totally Insane Trick

October 14, 2022 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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At ten a.m. I was in London, taking in the sights of Trafalgar Square. 20 minutes later, I was on the outskirts of Paris, awaiting freshly cooked crepes from the country’s finest pastry chef. By noon, I found myself in Japan, experiencing state-of-the-art technology designed specifically to clean my fartbox. This technology would later come in handy following my visits to Germany, India, and the Sudan later that day.

Now I’m not Iron Man, and I’d be a liar if I told you I was allowed back at Newark Liberty International Airport. So how did I travel to so many places in such a short amount of time? Am I Magic? Did I steal Elon Musk’s super secret space car?

The answer is a polite, yet resounding, “Fuck No.” It turns out all I needed to travel the world was take the New Jersey PATH train to the apartment of Evan Torizon, a former social sciences professor whose crippling anxiety has prevented him from traveling the globe. As a result, he brought the world’s premier destinations to his two-bedroom apartment in the Lower East Side, replicating the visage and cultures of a multitude of nations in his humble living space.

“I don’t like planes,” says Torizon. “What more do I have to tell you?”

Upon entering the apartment, you’re hit with the unmistakable chill of the Norwegian winds, ingeniously created by an industrial air conditioner and the inspired use of a snow cone machine. Down the hall, you make your way towards Poland, where pierogis are kept ready and waiting nearly 20 hours of the day (it’s closest to the stove).

“I never intended on this becoming a tourist stop,” he muses. “The insurance paperwork alone looked like a living hell. Also, my roommates were clearly not cool with it. But I guess I got the last laugh, because now their rooms make up both South America and Africa!”

This somewhat troubling endeavor has become a full-time job for Torizon, in part because he was fired from his actual full-time job around the time he was fashioning his bathtub into the Grand Canyon. Every day, he must water his mini-rainforests, fix erosion in the mini-pyramids of mini-Egypt, and make sure to read up on current events to make sure natural disasters or acts of terrorism won’t warrant seeking a repair permit from the city.

That said, Torizon still attempts to maintain a sense of normalcy whenever possible. Most afternoons, he puts in an hour on his Bowflex, located in the humid urban landscape of Mini-Hong Kong. Then, he’ll either tend to his vlog in Russia (complete with a borderline disturbing replica of Edward Snowden’s Moscow hotel room) or play Xbox by the stormy shores of Ireland. However, he did recently move his microwave from South Africa to Morocco, no longer wanting to encounter the dangers of traveling through the Democratic Republic of Congo, which recently saw a hostile takeover by his cat, Mr. Polka Dots.

Of course, Torizon’s expenditures are both frequent and costly, as he’s often importing fresh foods and goods from multiple nation-states on a weekly basis. He’s also drawn up the blueprints for a LEGO wall that would make on-foot travel to mini-Mexico unnecessarily difficult.

mini bus

Out of economic necessity, Torizon has since turned his apartment into a must-see vacation spot, complete with collectible passports for visitors to keep track of their “travels.” Each guest receives complimentary fine Italian wine and a full meal from a country of their choosing, all at a fraction of what international travel normally costs. However, not every country will welcome strangers with open arms.

“My bedroom is currently located in mini-North Korea, so entry is strictly forbidden without explicit invitation and consent,” advises Torrizon. “One guest had previously ignored these instructions, and was caught tearing down my Soundgarden poster. He’s now presumed dead.”

Are you interested in building your own international tourist trap? Is there any landmark you’d like to interact with on a daily basis? Drop some comments below and give Bunny Ears the chance to get in on the ground floor!

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      1. I believe it’s intended to be informational in nature (i.e., if you have to ask after reading whether it is supposed to be funny, you have now been informed that you’re probably agonizingly dull at parties). Don’t feel bad about the confusion over interpretation; literary analysis isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

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