My Feminist Video Game Was Banned From E3 And It’s B.S.
Between March 20011 and September 2018, I devoted my skills as a male feminist game developer to create a third-person action R.P. G. about the gender wage gap in America. Sadly, not every game comes to fruition. After years of work and much of my own money, Gender Wages of War will never be released, but I can at least give you a small taste of what would have been the most ambitious and progressive A.A.A. title in video game history.
Our protagonist was a female warrior named Hero (pronounced “HER-o”). She has Susan B. Anthony’s fierce spirit and my mother’s looks. Also, she wears a tasteful bikini and has great jugs.
Hero found out she was affected by the gender wage gap from her platonic male warrior friend, Guyfrind who told her that the King of Disproportia was paying her 80 shillings for every rupee Guyfrind made— even though she was an objectively better monster slayer.
Thus begina Hero’s epic quest across the treacherous landscapes of Disproportia to get the raise she deserves. Below is a rendering of an inspirational character Hero encounters early in the game. Her name is Chieftain Rhonda Feinstein, a shaman of woman’s studies. She wears the traditional outfit worn by her desert tribe of progressive female warrior scholars. Also, please notice those great jugs.
Gender Wages of War would have featured companions, useful in combat and for carrying extra gear, like armor or menstrual pads. My favorite companion was a mercenary named Goodman.
He was a strikingly handsome, chivalrous former knight who so believed in Hero’s quest for respect and agency that he insisted she take him along to help, no matter how many times she said: “No, I got it.” His only flaw was that he cared too much. Physical similarities between myself and Goodman are purely coincidental.
This companion was from a race of cat-people called the Felinus.
Hero could’ve had multiple Felinus companions, but any more than three and townsfolk would mumble their concerns for her sanity.
The Chadfolk, pictured above, are the primary enemy type. They are men whose misogyny so corrupted their souls that they physically transformed into beasts. All that remained of their former selves was a spiky haircut permanently hardened by beeswax that they used as a weapon.
The final boss fight would have been an epic, multistage Dark Souls-inspired battle between Hero and King Chauvin, whose hatred of women had transformed him into the powerful Lord of the Chadfolk.
Gender Wages of War could have changed the world, if only I didn’t have to devote so much of my budget to the sexual harassment lawsuit that ruined my game development career.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…