It’s almost the holidays—which means making lists, scheduling travel, planning meals, and meticulously measuring the eaves, corners, and wall spaces of your home for photographs of Billy Corgan. As we all know, photographs of Billy Corgan have been used to celebrate the various holidays surrounding the winter solstice for decades (ever since Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was gifted to teenagers the world over in 1995). His inverted-teardrop skull has become as synonymous with the holidays as Black Friday and predatory airline prices.
But you can’t just fling CorganPics™ all over your house like cardboard Santas in a strip mall Mexican restaurant. No, there’s a subtle art to placing your Corgans; one that will improve the spiritual flow of your home as well as inspire warm feelings of joy and peace among friends and family. So without further ado, here are our favorite Billy Corgan decorating techniques to help make this year’s holiday season unforgettable.
1. Put Billy Corgan’s Head Atop Your Christmas Tree Like The Angel He Is
Forget that moth-balled old angel your spouse’s grandmother knit back when owning a television directly affected the property value of a home. Crown your Christmas tree with a headshot of Billy Corgan and celebrate beneath the light gleaming off his shorn pate like the North Star.
2. String Billy Corgan Garlands Across Every Doorway
Search Google for some exciting shots of Billy Corgan performing hit songs like “Disarm” and “Today,” then print those photos out on your home PC. Enlist your loved ones (or Kinkos) to help carefully cut each Corgan out using a pair of safety scissors, and use glue or scotch tape to attach each Corgan together in a line so that they form a paper chain. Voila—a Billy Corgan garland! Your family will smile with delight as they pass beneath his many crotches.
3. Place Billy Corgan In Unexpected Places
Turn the holidays into a fun family scavenger hunt by hiding Billy Corgans around your home like gloomy Easter eggs. Get creative with your hiding places! Years from now, you’ll be cleaning out some little-traversed corner of your home and run across an undiscovered Corgan; you’ll smile, clutching him to your swelling breast as it fills with the warm memories of a perfect holiday.
4. Get At Least One Inflatable Billy Corgan Lawn Decoration
Believe it or not, there aren’t currently any official Billy Corgan lawn decorations available for sale. However, don’t fret—you can technically transform any inflatable lawn decoration into a billowing Billy. Simply take an inflatable Santa or Snoopy and attach a glorious headshot of Corgan’s steely gaze using superglue or electrical tape (or even one of your Billy Corgan garland strings!). Another popular option is a weather-treated cardboard cutout of a turtlenecked Corgan straddling a sign that reads “Santa Stop Here!”
5. Invest In A Billy Corgan Fireplace Screen
You’ll also want the legendary alt-rock frontman straddling your hearth, one glorious microboot on either side of the fireplace, so that you and your family can gather around the warmth radiating from Billy Corgan’s undercarriage. Enjoy hot cider with your loved ones as you sit beside his towering form, receiving the holiday blessing of past hits like that one “Landslide” cover and the song from that shitty Batman movie.