If You Ate Those Charcoal Ice Cream Cones You Now Have 24 Hours to Live
First of all, we’re sorry. We know you count on Bunny Ears to be the arbiter of the hottest trends, and in the instance of charcoal ice cream cones, we failed you. Sure, you got a lot of love on the ‘gram, but you also now have exactly 24 hours to live.
Honestly, The Charcoal Flavor Was A Real Tip-Off
If you, like thousands of our loyal fans, were one of the first to rush out to get your hands on gravel-colored soft-serve all gussied up in a sleek black cone, we feel responsible. Not legally or fiscally responsible—let’s be very clear on that—but responsible enough that we are writing this article to let you know it’s time to pack it in. We’ve asked ourselves what we could do differently, and what comes to mind pretty much immediately is not recommending something flavored with burnt wood.
Charcoal’s constant use in anti-acne scrubs and as a drawing material should maybe also have been a red flag. In retrospect, there were definitely a few issues we should have noticed. Like how its basic flavor profile was a campfire doused with milk. We sincerely regret being too blinded by its preppy-goth appeal to miss that.
We Have To Face What Our World Is Becoming, But You Don’t, Because You’re Dying
The truth is, those brilliantly sexy charcoal ice cream cones were the work of a disgruntled loser doctor. An actual one, with an M.D. and everything, which is further proof that you should never trust them. He developed some sort of westernized “cure for cancer” that caused slight weight gain. Apparently, this put it in direct market conflict with our Mayan mushroom dust, which causes weight loss but isn’t proven to cause tumors to triple in size. After going bankrupt, he decided to take revenge.
He preyed on our need to generate constant, frantic pop culture trends to increase our click rate and released charcoal ice cream cones filled with slow-acting mercury—plus what’s being described to us as “a lot” of ashes from cremated dogs—onto the market. We regret this incident deeply and take comfort in that we did not try them ourselves because they contained sugar.
You, on the other hand, were really only doing what we’ve trained you to do: blindly consume anything you see talked about on three different infotainment sites. But we can only take responsibility for so much, so it’s kinda on you.
But Wait! There’s Good News!
You’re still definitely dying, but the good news is that you still have nearly 24 hours to curate your final Instagram posts. Maybe now is the time you’ll finally get that celeb selfie. Maybe today, you’ll finally climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge—as long as you are already in Sydney, because that’s a long plane ride, and the clock is ticking. Or maybe the final image your friends will see of you alive isn’t you imbibing a mercury- and Labrador-filled waffle cone the color of a bus floor but as you truly are: a super-cool person! Would a super-cool person let death from an ill-researched dessert get in the way of social media immortality?
Sadly, you will never know, as you will be dead. But at least you’ve got the everlasting flavor of charcoal and possibly collie dog to keep you company until the mercury finally kicks in.
Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay
I know this is a comedy website but would like to assert that Hagen Daas makes black sesame ice cream for Japan and it’s black enough for me and way tastier than charcoal. Leave the charcoal in your pore scrub on your nose!
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