Should You Visit That Alternate Universe Where You’re A God?
Quantum theory tells us there are infinite universes—a universe where up is down, where black is white, where there’s no such thing as meat, and where Bob Dole won the presidential election of 1996. Literally anything we could ever imagine exists. And that means there is an alternate universe in which you are an all-powerful god; a fearsome ruler whose power knows no limits. But is that really a universe you want to visit? Here’s how to know if you’re ready:
How Secure Are You in Your Life Right Now?
Remember, you can technically only look into this alternate universe—crossing over would mean almost-certain death. (Do you know how low the odds are that the alternate universe in which you’re a god would also have the same oxygen as our earth? Slim to none.) And if you do decide to look, you need to be really satisfied with your life, since it will definitely be way better in the other reality.
For instance, you may be perfectly content with your sex life right now … but how will it look after seeing god-you getting pleasured by Matt Damon from the Bourne Identity movies for weeks at a time? (Which you 100% will have the power to make happen.) Imagine how frustrating it would feel to return to your real life after that experience. Jim is great. But he’s no Jason Bourne.
Do You Have Enough Ion Crystals to Power the Universe-Viewer?
There are of course logistical concerns when it comes to peering into an alternate universe where you’re a god, including the fact that the Universe-Viewer runs on Ion Crystals, and those things are tough to come by! You can only get them from the Final Vault hidden in Dr. Mephisto’s private manor, which is guarded by spider-mechs modeled after the anatomy of the ravenous spider-folk of universe 27-A, which Dr. Mephisto saw through the Universe-Viewer’s window.
What Do Your Friends Think?
You may think that you have everything together and can handle seeing yourself dominating a world, but double-check with your friends first. You may not realize how much you complain about things like your credit card bills, or how you wish you lived in an apartment big enough for a dog, but they do. And they might advise you to hold off on peering into a universe where credit card bills are paid in blood to a gray-skinned, dead-eyed version of yourself (who also has a really cute dog), because it could be triggering.
Are You Prepared to Kill Your God-Self?
As Dr. Mephisto explained before his mind was lost to madness after viewing all that could ever be, some universes have the technology to communicate with those using the Universe-Viewer. And if that’s true of the universe in which you rule through terror and might, be prepared to relay information that could help those toiling under the alternate-you’s terrible reign. After all, only you know where you’d hide the Resurrection Amulet that must be destroyed if alternate-you is to ever truly die.
And, I mean, you just got laid off in May. No one would blame you if you weren’t ready for that kind of emotional labor.