Clean Your WWE Action Figures With Your Lonely Tears (Not By Zack Ryder)

[Editor’s note: The following was relayed to Wrabbit Wrestling journalist Jay Rosenbaum by a source who supposedly wished to remain anonymous.]

Hey—it’s me—a totally anonymous wrestler who you definitely don’t know, here to teach you how to clean your wrestling action figures with DIY materials found around your home. Okay, okay, you got me. It’s me—Zack Ryder! Most of you probably know me best as a lower mid-card superstar wrestler. But guess what? I’m also the Michael Jordan of wrestling-action-figure collecting. Does that mean I’m the best at slam-dunking wrestling action figures? No, silly, that’s not a thing. Does it mean I’m the most pathologically competitive toy collector in the wrestling-action-figure space? You bet!

Collecting vintage, high-end wrestling figures isn’t all glamour and sexiness. It takes work to maintain your collection and keep your precious figures in great condition. Follow these steps to keep them looking fresh.

1. Use a Makeup Brush

Great news: You can utilize the makeup brush you use to apply all that fake tanner to clean your figures, too! Take it from my best bud, podcast cohost, and action figure aficionado, Curt Hawkins:

“What? Oh, the toys thing again? Yeah, whatever, clean it with your makeup brush or whatever, dude. You know I just did this podcast with you to try and get a push, man.”

That’s a fresh tip. Thanks, Curt!

2. Organic Dish Soap and Your Own Actual Tears

Rough chemical soaps can be tougher on your toy’s paint job than Kane was on me, so you’ll wanna use a gentle dish soap. And, hey, who doesn’t need a good cry every now and then? Sometimes, when alone in my Orlando condo, surrounded not by friends nor loved ones, but the cold, uncaring eyes of plastic wrestlers, I can’t help but feel a little blue. And you have to get them clean, even though they won’t get clean no matter how hard you scrub, and you scrub hard, and you can’t stop the echos of mocking laughter from all your colleagues.

They’re not dolls, okay, Renee Young?! They’re highly-sophisticated collectibles! You can’t help but let out your emotions in a wet, sobbing frenzy. But that’s okay! Your tears mixed with two-parts organic dish soap makes a great natural cleanser for your figures.

3. Use a Q-Tip and Acrylic Paint for Touch Ups

The faces of action figures are often made of a soft plastic that causes them to fade faster than the bodies. No worries, bro! Use a Q-tip and some paint to apply touch-ups to get that toy looking MOC again in no time. And while it’s easy to paint on a brave face for your toys, I know it can be challenging to keep a brave face on for yourself—especially amidst those frequent maelstroms of loneliness. Oh radio, tell me everything you know! Tell me, please. Oh god.

Images WWE.com