Hey, Did You Talk To Rob?

March 13, 2022 by , featured in Lifestyle
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Hey buddy, sorry to pull you away. I know you’re working on that budget report for tomorrow. Anyhow, you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here in your cubicle. I just wanted to ask you quick—have you talked to Rob? I think there’s something up with him.

I mean, you were there for the cake thing. He was supposed to get a cake for Jessica’s birthday, but instead he just poured out a bag of beef jerky onto a plate and then put a big scoop of frosting on it. Naturally, we thought Rob was mad at Jessica, but no. He did the same thing on Thursday when he was making an In-N-Out run and asked Glen if he wanted anything. Glen asked for a double-double, but Rob brought him back another plate of loose beef jerky with frosting. And he just gave it to him like there was nothing wrong?

Here’s another thing—has Rob told you he loves you and has been in love with you for years? If he hasn’t yet, he will. The guy’s been pulling everyone aside and saying he’s in love with them. So far, I know he’s said the same thing to Mark, Chris R., and Tina, as well as that guy who works at the juice bar across the street. I think his name is Willoughby? Anyhow, Rob’s confessions of love do not feel sincere. It’s almost like he’s trying to pit us all against each other? Like, make us fight for his affections?

But what does Rob have to gain by pitting me, Mark, Chris R., Tina, and I-think-his-name-is-Willoughby against each other?

What’s really weird about this whole thing is that there’s no pattern. Rob’s also been folding graph paper into tinier and tinier squares and doing these utterly complex math equations on his whiteboard. Neither of those bizarre actions has anything to do with his other bizarre actions! It’s all just incomprehensible.

Also, Rob replaced that framed photo of his wife and kids on his desk with a framed picture of a freshly-baked croissant. You can tell it’s freshly-baked because there’s, like, cartoon steam coming off it. And he keeps going into Martinez’s office and asking, “What lies beyond the edge of space?” And Martinez doesn’t know what lies beyond the edge of space! Martinez doesn’t even know the difference between quarterly revenue and annual revenue!

You remember that? You remember when Martinez mixed up quarterly revenue and annual revenue in his fiscal 2018 projection? That was wild.

Anyhow, I just thought maybe Rob told you what his deal was. Because I’m at my wit’s end here. I even called Rob’s doctor and pretended to be his wife to see if he’d been diagnosed with something serious. I thought that if he only had a few more weeks to live, he’d start to think that life is inherently arbitrary—that our lives have no meaning—and thus begin this slow slide into madness. But Rob’s doctor said he was totally fine!

Anyhow, if you do end up talking to Rob, let me know what he says. I feel like I’m just one clue away from solving this.

Image: Unsplash

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