I Don’t Think You Motherfuckers Are Ready For My Seminar On Work-Life Balance
I don’t think you motherfuckers are ready for my seminar on work-life balance. This shit is gonna be all about cutting loose extraneous distractions and unplugging from your work-connected electronic devices, but I suspect you’ll be too busy writing a reply to Christian from accounting on a Saturday afternoon instead of absorbing knowledge that will save your dumb ass from letting your job interfere with your personal relationships.
I’m gonna drop thought bombs about self-care. I’m gonna guide you through some sick – and I mean fucking sick – deep breathing exercises that’ll drag your ass kicking and screaming into tranquility Saturday the 14th from noon to 4 PM at the Ramada Hotel banquet hall by the airport. No, not the airport you’re thinking of. The smaller one.
I shouldn’t even be telling you about it. I know you’re just to make up some excuse about how you’ve got plans. Plans my ass. You’re gonna be agonizing over what donuts to bring to your meeting with management.
Buy a shitload of glazed, shut the fuck up, and zone out to a 7-hour Property Brothers marathon in your underwear. There. I just gave you a fish. Come to the seminar and I’ll teach you how to catch it. LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I will not teach you to catch actual fish.
That’s just one of many life-changing tips you’ll get if you find the courage to attend, which you won’t. Want to prove me wrong? You can, but you won’t. But I dare you to.
BUT. YOU. WON’T.
I live for helping weak-ass saps like you tear themselves away from their laptops so you can bring balance to the forces of work and life like you’re the Luke Skywalker of the accounting department. I’d start off by teaching you how to say no when your inner-perfectionist wants you to finish a project at home instead of taking your dog on a very long walk that makes you both very happy forever. The work can wait. YOUR DOG WILL DIE ONE DAY. After my seminar, I guarantee you will walk that dog you silly fuck.
Taking inspiration from the stones I have skipped expertly across many lakes during my ample time away from work, I will teach you how best to throw your phone as far the fuck away from you as possible when your work Slack chat keeps popping off after you leave the office.
I’ll get your life so sorted people will be like, “GODDAMN THAT DUDE’S GOT PLENTY OF TIME TO BUILD THAT MODEL KIT OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE THAT’S BEEN UNOPENED FOR MONTHS.”
I’ll even teach you pathetic weaklings how to take stock of your miserable existence so you can better understand if your career is fundamentally incompatible with home life happiness. I’ll get you to stop thinking that you’ll have a life one day. Fuck that noise. Have a life NOW. Here, I’ll give you this for free: my foolproof work-life balance schedule that you can apply to any weekday:
8 AM to 6 PM: Crush it
6 PM to 8 AM: Cease crushing it
Don’t just take my word for it. I’ve been Macaulay Culkin’s life coach for over three decades now. It was with my techniques that he was able to get paid millions of dollars for clutching his face and screaming into a mirror the way your over-worked ass does every day for free like a chump.
If you are ready for all that shit, sign up and send me a deposit of $400 to prove you’re open to accepting the knowledge that will allow you to choose a side in the eternal war between working hard and hardly working.
See you motherfuckers there.