Choosing The Right PR Firm For Your Racist Kids

You know as well as we do that teenagers are the worst, especially yours. Since you’ve taught them that they’re better than everyone else and money can make anything go away, they’re prone to all kinds of entitled and rude behavior toward others, especially those of other classes, races, and genders. They’re also idiots, so in the age of ubiquitous smartphones, someone is bound to record them sooner or later. Being prepared for that reality will go a long way in getting ahead of the inevitable media shitstorm (and likely score them an invite to the White House!). Here’s what you need to consider when choosing the right professional to figure out how to spin your brat’s egregious behavior.

Track Record

You can’t entrust the public perception of your monstrous children’s futures to just any schmuck who calls himself a publicist. You need to look for an experienced firm with a proven track record of redeeming seemingly irredeemable people. Whoever works with Kanye is probably a good place to start. Did George Zimmerman have a PR guy? I mean, he must have, right? Look for full-on murderers on the client list. If the company not only has no qualms pimping out the worst possible people, but also succeeds at it, they’re your guys.

Experience With Children

It’s not enough that your firm knows how to work with the worst people, though. They need to know how to work with the worst children. This is, again, where their client list comes in handy. Child stars are a good sign, as are children only famous for their juvenile offenses. You don’t want someone who doesn’t know how to deal with temper tantrums and demands for a constant stream of Mountain Dew Code Red coaching your child on their public statement.

Also, whoever you hire needs to be able to think like a child. This is where you’ll want to look at your team’s writing skills. It’s a little-known fact that many PR professionals are failed writers. What you want is some poor sap who wanted to be John Green and ended up selling his or her soul to the almighty dollar. That’s the kind of person who will write a believable press release.

Media Literacy

The last thing you want is a bunch of stuffy old farts who still think print news isn’t a waste of time. You need young upstarts who understand the Tweeters and the ChatSnaps or whatever. It’s all about optics these days, so you need a whole team of video editors and graphic designers to doctor any visual evidence that may put your child in an unfavorable light, and then you need programmers who can create thousands of bots overnight to tirelessly share it. This isn’t your grandma’s racist gaffe. You need to go Racism 2.0.

As a wealthy parent, your child’s behavior should never be your responsibility. Think of your PR firm as a natural extension of the army of nannies and tutors you already employ to be held accountable for your child, and consider the hiring process just as serious and necessary. With the right team of professionals, your child will never have to deal with the consequences of their actions ever again.

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