It is with great sadness that we report that on December 3, 2018, Slate named Chrissy Teigen the “anti–Gwyneth Paltrow.” With her dark sense of humor, products that people can actually afford, and recipes that people actually want to eat, Teigen is everything we’ve always strove to be.
This unfortunately means we will have to kill and eat her to absorb her powers.
It’s not like we want to kill and eat Chrissy Teigen. We’re not actually personally acquainted with her, but she seems like a very nice lady. We all love her Twitter even though she won’t follow us back, and have you had her French toast casserole? It’s delicious, and we say that as people who don’t eat. It is exactly for these reasons—the same ones that make her stand out as a relatable figure in a sea of out-of-touch celebrity lifestyle gurus—that we must toss her with a light vinaigrette and roast her butchered remains for our personal consumption.
We know this doesn’t seem to jive with our cruelty-free philosophy, but we assure you that Chrissy Teigen will be ethically slaughtered. We’ll take her out for a fun day of all her favorite things, then we’ll sit with her beside the fire in the coziest room in our office (the bathroom) and give her a glass of wine and an Ambien. After she contentedly drifts off to sleep, we’ll lovingly smother her with a fair-trade silk pillow. She’ll never feel a thing. We’ll serve her over a bed of coconut rice with a side of cheese-and-ham green bean casserole, just like she would have wanted.
We understand that this will bring a great burden upon many people. There are no doubt countless underlings who rely on Chrissy Teigen for their income, and she is, after all, a wife and mother. We deeply regret the pain this will certainly cause her husband and children, and as such, we are willing to offer John Legend his choice of female Bunny Ears staffer as a replacement. Very willing. We know that no one could truly replace the woman you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with, John, nor the mother of your children, but we hope we can at least ease your suffering. We also know a lot of weird sex stuff.
We’re not unreasonable. We’re willing to give Chrissy Teigen the chance to escape; otherwise, we wouldn’t make our plans public. We’d just kidnap her from her bed in the dead of night, as is our standard protocol. However, if she just tells us her secrets, flees to the wilderness, and falls out of the public eye completely, we’ll only take, like, a kidney. Listen, we need to absorb something. You can live a perfectly normal life off the grid with just one.
If Chrissy Teigen fails to heed this warning, however, we will have no choice but to cut out her heart, wrap it in garlic-roasted bacon, and serve it at our next office retreat.
We apologize again for the inconvenience. Call us, John.