6 Bathrobes Perfect For Doing Coked-Up Naked Karate
As a hard-working modern man or woman, you know firsthand how some days are made for unwinding with a few lines of primo yayo and naked karate. But what about the opened bathrobe barely clinging to your shoulders worn in a half-assed attempt to protect what little modesty you have left? How do you choose? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! Here are six bathrobes absolutely perfect for doing coked-up naked karate.
The Simple Solution
Just picture it: The sun breaking over the horizon. The crisp morning air nipping at your slightly exposed genitals as your loosely-fastened robe comes a little more undone with every sidekick. That’s you, in this robe, standing before a group of surfers who are just trying to catch some early-morning waves.
The Powdered Paisley Warrior
The reflective purple paisley will glimmer beautifully as it catches the light with each delivery of a palm strike so sloppy it would make a sensei vomit. The robe’s generous-yet-discrete front pockets can comfortably fit a full bottle of whiskey, 24 small bags of cocaine, and a Glock 19 that will tumble onto the sand, sending those mystified surfers scurrying for safety after you attempt a roundhouse kick.
The Stolen Motel Gi
You can get fancy and do your cocaine karate in silk robes, or you can get down to earth with a worn, loose-fitting pink bathrobe that you either stole from a motel or your grandmother. Who can remember? People who do a few rails before smashing through a glass coffee table while feebly attempting a flying heel kick won’t remember much of anything when they wake up in the ER.
The Silken Fist
This one makes a bold statement: “No pockets means my cocaine is already in my bloodstream.” Wear this one while practicing forearm blocks on the balcony of your beach-adjacent condo that overlooks a touristy strip of chain restaurants. Each grunt you expel as you block imaginary attackers will draw the attention of out-of-towners who will giggle when the too-short robe lifts up just enough to expose your bare ass.
The Jungle Cat
At last, something designed with the modern cocaine karate robesmen in mind. The leopard print pattern will pair beautifully with dusty cocaine fingerprints, particularly around the belt, suggesting the cocaine was snorted in the nude and the robe was then put on, almost as an afterthought. This will then be followed by an intense 15-minute burst of what you call karate, but what others would describe as the frantic flailing of a person pulling levers that aren’t there.
The Feminine Touch (Of Death)
This final robe is exclusively for ladies who indulge in a little invigorating booger sugar before karate chopping the air with no discernible form or discipline. Every slice of a palm accompanied by a hoarse “hi-ya!” will cause your exposed privates to clench in ways most displeasing to the guests in your living room.