How To Prepare Your Guest House For When The Boys Are Back In Town

Guess who just got back today? You know. We all know. Yep—the boys are back in town. They were asking if you were around, how you was, where you could be found, and I couldn’t think of a plausible lie in time. So I’m really sorry, but I told them where you live. They’re definitely going to show up at 3:00 A.M. expecting to crash, so make sure you’re ready.

Scotchgard Everything

Grab that trusty can and go to town like the boys on this one. Douse the whole place from ceiling to floor, including the walls and furniture. You know damn well how careless they are with liquids.

Remove All Breakables

Yes, your grandmother’s antique vase looks fetching artfully placed on your (hopefully well-Scotchgarded) designer end tables, but you don’t want it there when some chick gets up and slaps Johnny’s face. And pro tip: If you’ve been trying to get by on flimsy plaster, reinforce those walls. Someone’s head or fist is bound to go through it at some point, so you might as well be prepared.

Keep the Boys Home If at All Possible

It might sound counterintuitive, but keeping them home might actually work out best for everyone. So drop subtle reminders that Dino’s Bar and Grill now delivers via Postmates and the restraining order from that chick who used to dance a lot is still in effect.

Remember, It’s Only Temporary

The boys have gone before, and they will leave again. Take a deep breath, and just focus on getting through it. After all, it won’t be long ’til summer comes now that the boys are here again. Then you just have to worry about the boys of summer.

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