Things To Do With The Scarabs That Keep Crawling Out Of Your Mouth

It happens to everyone, but the vestiges of this country’s puritanical founding are so strong that we all feel shame about it. We pretend we don’t do even do it, retreating behind closed doors and using euphemisms if we even discuss it all. Face it: Once in a while, a scarab or five crawls out of your mouth. It just happens, nobody knows why, and it’s pointless to ask questions or try to stop it. It’s time to embrace the fact that human bodies produce scarabs that exit via the mouth. The only question: What are you supposed to, like, do with them?

Back From Whence They Came

Take those scarabs and shove them right back into your mouth. Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, but scarabs contain no saturated fat or cholesterol and pack more protein per ounce than turkey. That makes scarabs the most efficient non-livestock protein source on the planet. Plus, it’s sustainable—those scarabs come scurrying out of your mouth all the time. Nobody can tell you why.

Jewel Know What To Do

Scarabs appear in ancient Egyptian art and artifacts for a reason: They’re beautiful! So what if they uncomfortably force their way out of your mouth to serve an unfathomable mission? You could take one scarab and build an amulet around it or tie a bunch together to make a necklace, bracelet, headband, dangly earring, or decorative covering for your court-ordered ankle monitor.

Kid Stuff

Don’t you kind of miss the days of being six or seven years old and playing alone in your room for hours on end? You’d get up to so much imaginary fun in there. At some point in their childhood, everybody lined up their stuffed animals for a plush parade or dressed up their Barbies real nice for a beauty pageant. Get ready to relive those wonderful, bygone childhood moments with the scarabs that crawl out of your mouth for reasons we cannot and must not understand! Line up those scarabs for a beetle parade, or arrange them in a semi-circle and ask them questions about current events if they’re nervous about the swimsuit competition.

Hair You Go

From even a medium distance, the human eye interprets scarabs as a small, black mass. Take as many or as few scarabs—the ones that emerge from your mouth with no regard for pattern or meaning—as necessary, make a pile, and you’ve got yourself a cute little pubic merkin. Bonus: You just saved yourself $450, because that’s how much store-bought merkins cost these days.

Oh, Man

Or don’t immediately use the scarabs that emerge from your dark, wet mouth for reasons that would destroy your mind if you heard them. Rather, save those scarabs. A large collection of mason jars works great, with holes poked into the lids so the little guys can breathe. When you’ve got about 20 gallons’ worth, clear off a spot on the floor and pour out all the skittering scarabs into a big pile. They’ll naturally congregate into the shape of a large humanoid figure. All that’s left to decide is who you want this sentient, humanoid figure acting out the thoughts and impulses of a scarab hive mind to be. Your new boyfriend? Babysitter? Maid? Whichever you choose, the Scarab Man will happily fill that role. Sure, he looks monstrous, but he’s actually quite agreeable, we think. No one knows.

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