No, Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart Won’t Kill Your Wife For Money

December 19, 2019 by , featured in Wrestling
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Buyers beware: It has recently come to my attention that Bret “Hitman” Hart is only a professional wrestler. He is not an assassin for hire as his nickname would lead you to believe. He categorically refused to even quote me a price to murder my wife, and he wouldn’t even look me in the eye.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come to this kind of decision in the first place? Building up the nerve to ask someone to end a life, only to find out that they’ve never even injured anyone in their career (and won’t shut up about how that makes them “the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”) is rough.

He should really make his actual profession more clear, because his whole gimmick is sending serious mixed messages. He isn’t even really a “sharpshooter” (it’s apparently just the name of some leg lock that won’t even put Cassandra in a coma, let alone kill her. And she’s going to take me for everything I’m worth in the divorce if I don’t do something soon).

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I tried reasoning with Bret “Hitman” Hart, saying that he didn’t have to use bullets or knives and instead could be more subtle about the job. Maybe just use some poison and make it look like a heart attack? But he didn’t bend at all. In fact, he became agitated, spat in my face with surprising accuracy, smashed a TV monitor, and pantomimed the letters “F-B-I” in the air with his finger. I got the message, and it was extremely disappointing.

Image: WWE


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