Which Member of GWAR Should You Hire To Tutor Your Child?
Back-to-school season is just around the corner, and your kids will be occupied with classes by day and homework by night—and this sometimes means extra tutoring. However, it can be tough to find the perfect tutor for your child and their specific needs. And while everyone knows that the alien-born members of the shock-horror metal band GWAR are the universe’s greatest academic aides, it can be hard to know which member of GWAR is right for your family.
The Berserker Blothar
As the true and mighty Scumdogs of the Universe, the members of GWAR came to Earth and impregnated its apes, thus creating humanity. As leader of this band of space-monster-sex- gods, Balsac the Jaws of Death is obviously well-versed in the life sciences, particularly primate biology and human physiology.
Beefcake the Mighty
Boasting an immeasurable mass (likened to that of a black hole), this hulking behemoth from the planet Cholesterol loves to eat. He knows just about everything there is to know about nutrition, home economics, and astronomy. More importantly, he knows how to explain concepts in ways the infantile and tiny human brain can understand.
This monstrosity from the planet Crust has both a personal and professional fixation with anal sex and other sexual proclivities. That means nobody knows human anatomy and human sexuality better than this guy. (And nobody wants to talk about sex with their parents anyway!) A little-known fact about Pustulus Maximus is that he’s also a math whiz. Out of the 400 students he helped prepare for the AP Calculus exam, 399 received a “5”—the highest possible score (he admittedly killed the 400th).
BälSäc, the Jaws ‘o Death
GWAR’s guitarist from the planet Ennui claims to be of infinite age. Experiencing all of time and its many events is just one reason why BälSäc is such a remarkable history tutor. He wrote his doctoral thesis on early Roman political systems, sits on the board of directors at the Smithsonian, and in 1826, he ate John Adams’ heart.
This former slave turned slaveowner was cursed to fall to Earth, where he was encased in Antarctic ice for three days. That was enough for him to absorb its secrets, so he’s an expert in earth science. He also once spent 17 years wandering the Earth, seeking out his GWAR brethren—so he knows a lot about geography.
Jizmak da Gusha
Not so much a tutor as he is a motivational speaker, Jizmak is comprised of pure rage. If your kids seem lazy and unmotivated, one session with Jizmak will turn it around. He’ll threaten to beat them with his drumsticks and use their skin to make a new drum set, which always results in more A’s.
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