Cage-Free Children: Right For You?
From free-range children to tiger moms, lotus birthing to attachment parenting, there’s no shortage of child-rearing philosophies being crammed down our throats these days. Personally, I’ve always had a live-and-let-live attitude about it all. If you want to share a bed with your kids, or feed them like a bird, have at it. But, there’s eccentric, and then there’s irresponsible. You can breastfeed till the cows come home, but if you’re raising one of these “cage-free children,” you’re a crappy parent. That’s right: If you let your kids just roam around without the protection of a fortified cage, you’re a monster.
Look, we all want to give our little ones the space to succeed, but that shouldn’t come at the expense of their industrial strength cage. Or those magnetic locks. And you should look into some titanium reinforced bars, too. Frankly, anything else is irresponsible. Our parents’ generation may not have been perfect, but at least they knew to keep us locked up for our own safety.
Just, for a second, imagine a world where kids are free to saunter about, cage-free. How long do you think it would take for them to stumble from their cradle right into the grave? Knives in the kitchen. Outlets on the wall. Q-tips, people! Do you know the damage a Q-tip can do to an infant’s brain? On the other hand, children in cages are free to explore the world, albeit in a limited (and safe!) capacity, without the perpetual fear of death hanging over them.
And, not to be selfish, but how would you live your life if your children weren’t locked inside a protective pen? How could you enjoy a date night with your sweetheart knowing your kids weren’t nestled in their junior-sized jail? You’d be worrying about where they were, who was looking after them, and if it was a school day. That’s no way to live, for you or for them. With a cell, you only have to worry about whether you left enough water in their dish.
It’s Just Not Feasible
And what would you do with all the cages in your home? Think about it. Right now you’ve got one in every room, right? And that’s not even mentioning the confinement container they sleep in behind your bedroom wall. If you were to just open up the locks and let them out, your house would look insane. People would think you were a crazy person if you had all these cages, coops, and large cardboard boxes with breathing holes poked all around if they all weren’t brimming with confined children.
The best bet for reasonable parents is to keep the kids caged until the “cage-free” fad passes, as they all do. Remember “present parenting?” Exactly. No one does. Sure, your friends and nosy neighbors may be giving you grief right now, but before you know it, their kids will back behind bars where they belong.
Yup, keeping kids in cages is the responsible way to raise them right. You don’t have to be one of these obsessive families, with hundreds of books on positive reinforcement, to know that locking up your little loves is logical. So don’t jump on every bandwagon, and stop falling for every fad. Just lock that cage up, and throw away the key. For once, you’re doing it right.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…