Due To Economy, Castlevania Now Available For Rent On AirBnb

October 31, 2019 by , featured in Video Games
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The current economy isn’t just negatively impacting Millennials. In fact, Castlevania is now available on AirBnb, as Lord Dracula says he just “really needs the extra income right now.” And we get it.

The Amenities

The castle boasts a medieval Gothic feel, lavishly decorated with cold stone walls, thousands of shattered candle holders, and real corpses. There’s also a hot tub! Just watch out for the carnivorous fishmen lurking within it.

Getting There

Be sure to follow the directions to Castlevania carefully, because finding it can be challenging. The place only shows up once every 100 years after humans have lost faith in God, and parking on weekends is tricky. You’ll also have to fight your way through hordes of zombies, flying medusa heads, and sentient suits of knight armor just to get to the front gate. But once you enter, there’s a lovely basket of fruits and baked goods ready to welcome you. And if you’re still feeling peckish after that, just start knocking holes in walls and you’ll find delicious pork chops. They’re a little over-seasoned with salt and rock debris, but they’re free, so it’s hard to complain.

Additional Details

Once you’re settled in, sign the guest book. This isn’t a request; it’s mandatory. If you don’t, Death himself will perceive you as an intruder and try to decapitate you with a barrage of scythe boomerangs. Next, feel free to roam the halls with your pets. That’s right, pets are welcome! (Provided, of course, that they get along with other pets such as enormous vampire bats, wall-mounted fire-breathing bone snakes, and worst of all … ferrets.)

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You’re also welcome to explore the cavernous dungeons. Note: These dungeons aren’t of the sex variety, although muscly men clad in leather do often come through looking for things to punish with their whip. And when you have to use the bathroom—to clean your pants after inevitably shitting them—don’t worry about running out of toilet paper, because twin mummies tower over you on either side of the toilet. Watching … always watching.

With all these amazing features you may be asking yourself, “Can I even afford to rent Castlevania for a night?” Honestly, you can’t afford not to. Because just by reading this, a hex has been placed on your very soul. You must now travel village to village, searching for pieces of Dracula’s body and return it to his home so he may once again ascend. If you fail, you will be consumed from within by evil. After that, it’s $45 a night.

Images: Unsplash, Konami Digital Entertainment


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