No, Your Dried Up Y2K Survival Kit Will Not Protect You From Vampires
So it’s happening. The Apocalypse is coming. But it’s not the Y2K-like end times you had in mind (and prepared for all those years ago). This time it’s a vampire apocalypse, and you feel pretty silly for not thinking ahead. Sure, many of your friends and family are saying that decades of fruitless apocalypse-related paranoia have taken a toll on your fragile psyche and you’re now rationalizing your beliefs any way you can. But you know the truth. The vampire truth. And unfortunately your old Y2K survival kit isn’t gonna help.
However, Y2K survival is a state of mind.
And it can come in handy. Sure, maybe all those pop tarts, cans of tuna, and Ecto Cooler won’t help you defeat the vampires in a hand-to-hand type fight. But they will keep you nourished while you hide and devise a plan. Yes, it would have been nice if you had included wooden stakes, holy water, and maybe a copy of the Lord’s prayer somewhere on hand in your bunker. But how were you to know? How were any of us?
Also, while all of those spare batteries you bogarted back in 1999 potentially could have helped you now (everyone knows acid slows vamps down and can potentially buy you a few life-saving seconds), the reality is the acid has degraded over time. The undead will hardly feel a thing, and you may even run the risk of angering them further.
And while the hunting rifles you stockpiled might have made sense for a man-made disaster situation, the reality is they’re less than useless now if you don’t have silver bullets (which I’m assuming you don’t. If you do, fantastic!). Sure, some naysayers in your life, like your coworkers or therapist, may tell you this is insane, and that “Even if this absurd delusion was somehow true, everyone knows that silver bullets are for werewolves,” you know the truth. And that that’s exactly what a vampire co-conspirator would say.
And on that note, trust no one.
A lot of people in your life are going to distance themselves from you in the near future. Many maybe already have—especially when you started filling your pockets and underwear with pungent cloves of garlic. Just remember to trust in yourself. And also remember the cardinal rule of a vampire apocalypse: Stake first, ask questions later.