The Horrible Thing That’s Going To Happen To You This Month — Based On Your Sign

Welcome to your monthly horoscope! Let this help guide you through the coming weeks in both your decisions and intentions. The sun is in Aquarius until the end of the month, which brings an abundance of protective energy—use it to your advantage! Because a horrible thing is going to happen to you. Sorry.

Aries

The Aries moon is in Libra, meaning there’s potential for great productivity both personally and professionally this month. It’s the perfect time to finally start that new project, or throw yourself into something that’s been on the backburner for a while. Also, beware of friends and loved ones.

Taurus

Communication is on your side for the next several weeks, so now’s the time to really say what’s on your mind. Voice your needs to others, and trust that you’ll be heard. Oh, and you know Jerry, from work—the guy who eats alone and has the kind eyes? He’s a straight-up serial killer.

Gemini

You’ll feel the duality of your Gemini nature particularly strongly this month, and while it might seem stressful — especially in the work/home, friend/lover, introvert/extrovert divide, you can use this to your advantage if you work at staying calm and deliberate. P.S. – Vampires are real. And it’s not looking good for you.

Cancer

Expect to get something you’ve wanted for a long time this month, likely in the realms of relationships and romance. Also, you know your neighbor’s daughter who keeps asking you to play catch? She died in a fire 14 years ago.

Leo

See what we said to Geminis RE: the vampires.

Virgo

Now’s the time to embrace change and new beginnings, so don’t be afraid to cut ties. Also, do you know what a Babadook looks like? Google it, okay? You’ll need every advantage you can get.

Libra

If you’ve been worried about “losing time” recently, you should be. You’re the Springfield Strangler, and you’ve done some very bad things.

Scorpio

This is a month of passion and romance—but don’t fall for it. That handsome stranger is likely just a soul-collector in a human shell. The good news is you can defeat the demon by saying its name thrice times (backwards). Good luck getting it to reveal it to you though.

Sagittarius

The only thing we’re seeing for sure this month is throat slitting. Sorry.

Capricorn

We hate to break it to you, but those haven’t just been nightmares. She’s coming for you. Stock up on salt and keep a Bible by your bed.

Aquarius

Okay, we didn’t want to be the ones to tell you this, but you know how everyone says your parents died in that fire? That’s just what we say so you won’t ask too many questions. You were actually molded from clay and called to life through a series of ancient incantations in order to carry forth the bidding of others. Kind of like a Golem, but less Jewy.

Pisces

If you’re reading this, it means Libra hasn’t found you yet. Keep the doors locked and the lights off. What’s that? Libra’s already in the house? Fuck. We told you to lock the doors! All right, it’s time to summon Aquarius—but you have to be strong in both your will and intention lest Aquarius become unruly. Then you’ll just have a big fucking shit show on your hands, and you definitely won’t be getting out of this one alive. Godspeed. We’re getting the fuck out of here.

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