I Tried Ingesting A Genetically Engineered Sensor To Monitor My Gut Health And Now I Can't Stop Quoting Mean Girls
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I Tried Ingesting A Genetically Engineered Sensor To Monitor My Gut Health And Now I Can’t Stop Quoting Mean Girls

If you’re anything like me, all it takes is a bite of a burrito or a sip of a latte to send you on a one-way trip to bathroom town. I also can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. So when I found a flyer under my door asking for volunteers to participate in a clinical study about gut health, I said sign me up! It’s like I have ESPN or something. Just because that experimental study I participated in last year left me with half of my face paralyzed, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t join this one. Lightening doesn’t strike twice, right? Even when there’s a 30% chance it’s already raining!

I showed up to the lab, (which was really cool, BTW. I’ve never seen a science lab in a barber shop before!) and they told me all I had to do was swallow a pill-sized sensor equipped with genetically engineered bacteria that would diagnose an array of gastrointestinal ailments. I could do that. Amber D’Alessio. She made out with a hotdog. The scientist told me I could read all about the process here and then reiterated that she was not affiliated with MIT and if anyone asked, her name was Professor Cady Heron and she’s from a small town in Africa. “I love her!” I thought, “She’s like a martian.” Also, her name sounded very familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Anyway, I was ready and excited to see if this pill would allow me to eat ice cream sandwiches outside of the confines of my bathroom.

Professor Heron handed me a small pill, which was the size of a AAA battery. No big deal. I’ve taken horse tranquilizers three times that size. I swallowed the pill and told Professor Heron that her face smelled like peppermint. The pill, which was a sensor, was supposed to communicate data to an app on the Professor’s phone, which would tell her all about the pH, temperature, and pressure inside my GI tract. I don’t really know what any of that means, but I asked if it would give me a solution as to why I have to número dos all the time, and she said, “You go, Glen Coco.” So, I thought that meant yes.

But I was wrong. I never heard the results of my study, and the tons of bacteria that was stuffed into that pill only had one side effect. And that side effect was SO FETCH! A few days after I ingested the pill, I could not stop channeling the comedically brilliant film of 2004, Mean Girls. When people asked me why I participated in a study without hardly any info, the answer was so obvious – “I’m a mouse, duh!” I went full on Regina George. I too wanted to lose three pounds and thanks to the pill not detecting the cause of my constant butt chocolate-river, I did. But this new ailment had some negative side effects too.

Mean Girls is legit pee-in-your pants funny, but not everyone could see the humor in me constantly throwing one-liners their way. My boyfriend was taken aback when I told him he smelled like a baby prostitute and hasn’t spoken to me since. I was half a virgin when I met him! When my therapist asked me why I was acting this way and I told her, “It’s probably because I have a big lesbian crush on you. Suck on that!” she told me we can no longer work together. Ugh. I’m sorry that people are jealous of me but I can’t help it that I’m popular.

I was so curious if the quoting of Mean Girls meant anything for my GI health. Would I eventually feel better? I tried to trick the Professor into calling me back by leaving her this message, “This is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her give me a call as soon as she can. It’s urgent. Thank you.” Even with such an enticing message straight from the dialogue of Mean Girls, I never heard back from the Professor.

Another unpaid clinical trial in the books and again, the side effects don’t seem to be going away. I guess I’m destined to have stomach issues forever. Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.

Dyana Goldman
Dyana Goldman

Author - "Lefty"

Dyana Goldman was born left-handed but has still been able to live a relatively normal life. She lives in Los Angeles where she has worked on several sitcoms including LA to Vegas, Happy Endings, and Entourage. When she's not writing she's hiking Runyon sneaking photos of other's dogs, making a mess of her kitchen, or living outside her means.

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