Brian Boone writes comedy and trivia on the internet and in books, which is like the old timey internet. He shamed his family by losing on Jeopardy.
Show your tree how much you love it…physically.
The ocean is terrible and full of scary fish and fish-monsters. Why do you want to go there? What’s wrong with you?
Stop spitting them into the garbage and do something useful with those beetles that emerge from your mouth for inscrutable reasons.
Use this guide, and everywhere you go, people will think that you’re the real Grimace!
After the XFL tanked in 2001, Vince McMahon tried to WWE-ify other sports. Really. He really did.
Wake up, you actual bear who has been sleeping for months. Bet you’re hungry.
There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.
You bear? I bear, too!
Your mom’s sensible beige bra is going to look soooo good on you.
Ladies, these spring perfumes will strongly remember him of springs from long ago AND send him into a downward spiral over deep feelings of loss.
Everybody poops. Even your edgy teen.
Hint: It’s not Lucky Charms.
Congrats, you’re a superhero now. Off to save the day!
Read this guide / when you slide / to a world of fear and trepidation.
The goth look is out. The baroque look is in.
No, you’re not crazy – if you’ve got a bad feeling it’s happening, then your spouse probably is cheating on you with a circus clown.
It’s so much healthier to bring your baby into the world with a water birth. And it costs next to nothing to do it down at the local pool!
Is the hole in the wall of a public bathroom through which you do unspeakable things starting to look a bit rundown? Then you need an extreme glory hole makeover, buddy.
It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.
No need to thank us.
To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.
Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.
This always happens to me!
There has to be a head transplant list by now, right?
The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,
There are lots of reasons to carve off one of your arms or legs before its absolutely necessary.
You don’t even have to be dead!
Breathtaking.
His name and intent remain unknown.
I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I assure you this is no joke.
So, so many things.
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
Nowadays, thankfully, there are many different kinds of hats that prevent thought-theft… too many, in fact.
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week, we’ll be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To England’s Regional Butthole Slang The United Kingdom is a very small country, but it’s such an old country […]
Acquiring oral herpes is one of the most exciting periods in life, and one of the most thrilling moments in this very special journey is sharing the good news with your family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. People used to just find out they had herpes at the doctor, and that was it. Over the past few […]
I’ve never been what one would call “conventionally attractive.” I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a kid, and I’m below average, height-wise. Mean classmates (and my parents) called me Grimace. My body image issues got so bad that I loathed and feared looking in the bathroom mirror each day. But I’m proud to say […]
It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties […]
There are few more frightening, serious, and expensive predicaments in life than suddenly needing an organ replacement. Not only do you get to feel like garbage for the months or even years you’re on a waiting list for a new one, but you get the pleasure of a $150,000 hospital bill upon transplant. There’s got to […]
Hey, you, with the penis. Be honest. Does your penis not work so good anymore? It happens. Stress, medical problems, overuse, and aging take their toll and weaken your love tackle, but there are measures you can take to revive the ol’ pants meat. I’m not talking about pumps or pills—that’s Big Pharma hooey. You […]
