A Comprehensive Review Of All The Best Monocles—Finally!
What ho, assorted plutocrats, barons of industry, tycoons, and proper gentlemen! It is henceforth the season in which your appearance as an esteemed capitalist may become complete—the great cities of the Eastern Seaboard are awash in the latest in monocle fashion. Clothes make the man, and a true gentlemen isn’t fully dressed if his top hat and tails are not complemented by a decent eye piece. Here then, are our reviews of the best monocles. Any of which shall make you the toast of the season!
The Diplomat (Stratton’s Fine Monocles and Optical Sundry, $736)
This monocle is pleasant, of standard shape and optimal thinness. I found it quite comfortable to wear, and sturdy at that. However, its setting suggests its wearer is a man on the move. It sends a message of, “I am a wealthy man, but I wish to amass much more wealth in the very near future.” It’s the kind of monocle that says “I’m in railroads, but I shall make great inroads in steel.”
The Gem of Harrisburg (The Harrisburg Monocle Concern, $625)
Function over form with this one, sport (although that’s not to say it “looks” bad. Ha!). You will definitely notice new details of the environs which surround thee when wearing this model. If I may speak frankly of my personal experience, it was this monocle, this aptly named Gem of Harrisburg, that was in my employ when I first noticed that Geraldine, my assistant, niece, and legal ward, had blossomed into a comely, wide-hipped woman in this, her seventeenth year.
The Viscount (J & P Monocle Proprietors, $599)
This monocle is quite favorable, as it lets in a previously unthinkable level of light. It is the perfect monocle to use while looking around one’s study while surveying the treasures purloined while voyaging in the heart of Africa. Delight in your bounty while you simultaneously attend to far less pleasurable tasks, like dictating a letter of sorrow to the family of that man who perished while working in one of the mines you own.
The Manifest (L.M.E. Johnson and Sons: Monoclery ($777)
The Manifest is, simply put, without peer. It is the sturdiest, most steadfast monocle your humbled reviewer has ever enjoyed the pleasure of placing inside his orbit. The subtle ridges in the outer gold ring certainly don’t sacrifice appearance, and it remains, improbably, comfortable. It stays where it is told, even if your eye jumps from its enclosure supon the sight of a lady exposing an ankle. Huzzah!
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