Classic Novels To Read When You’re Trapped Under A Bookshelf
Everyone knows those classic novels we all pretended to read but secretly never did. Adult life is a hustle—and often exhausting—so it’s lucky for you that 700 lbs of antique kingwood has collapsed on your legs like a fallen sequoia! It’s time to take a much-needed break from the world and dip into these essential classic novels you absolutely must read while trapped under this Victorian bookshelf.
Many consider this one the first novel ever. Others credit it for inspiring countless other creative works. And then there are the few who simply cherish a much-needed distraction from the biting pain of rock-solid shelving digging into their splintered femurs. There’s no wrong way to enjoy this riveting epic. Much like how Odysseus escaped the Cyclops, perhaps you can escape the aggressively-curious rat wandering around your face and chest.
This tale of a housewife desperate to escape the tedium of her life is relatable to many…none more so than those equally desperate to escape the crushing weight of this oak-colored literary monolith. Gustave Flaubert’s 1957 masterpiece remains relevant even as you futility scream for help—despite knowing that no one can hear you in this library basement you specifically chose for solitude.
Many a young girl has enjoyed the lives of the March sisters in this 1869 classic by Louisa May Alcott. Boy, it is sure getting cold in here, isn’t it? And you’re pretty certain the shelf has inched deeper into your legs. How much blood have you lost? You’ll have plenty of time to figure it out as you explore this rich coming-of-age story about a New England family. Do these chills stem from your reading of the text, or something far more serious?
Lord of the Flies
William Golding’s exploration of the savagery of man is about 200 pages, making it both a brisk read and a firm-but-lightweight tool for warding off that rat (by now he’s probably nipping at your ears and eyelids every time you nod off). The story explores the many aspects of isolation and desperation–something you can definitely relate to as you desperately swipe at that rodent.
The Complete Sherlock Holmes
Mystery and adventure are afoot! Also, you’ve managed to urinate into your own leg wounds. All that’s left to do is swipe your fingers through the puddle, suckling the salty moisture from each digit like they were the teats of a briny cow. The smell is unbearable. Yet another reason for a trip down Baker Street!
Little-known fact about the character Dracula from Bram Stoker’s classic work of horror: A single wild rose can subdue him if placed directly on his grave. Basically, an elegant flower serves as his own personal bookcase—an observation that causes you to burst into uncontrollable sobs. Pure, guttural sobs. Then comes the wailing. You’re like a crippled newborn calf, waiting for the indifferent hands of nature to finish the job.
The Secret Garden
This book is delicious.
King Houston: The Coma Meat Hooks
It’s getting pretty dark and blurry, but you think this might be the title of a book. The only light was from the sun beaming through that one window, and it’s long-vanished now. You find it difficult to read anything, let alone make out basic shapes. Are you losing consciousness, or simply exhausted? The question makes you dread sleep. The next time you close your eyes might be the last. There are more rats now … watching. Waiting. What will you feel first: the icy slip into oblivion or the sharp gnawing on your bones?
Treatise of the Operations of Surgery
This 300-year-old medical guide gives us an unflinching glimpse into the world of amputation and surgery—without the use of anesthetics … something you might want to look into right about now. As suggested, doctors are to “cut quick with a crooked knife before covering the stump with the remaining skin” while the patient bites down hard on a wooden stick (or perhaps a copy of Wuthering Heights). Just something to enjoy while you grind that hardcover of Nineteen Eighty-Four against the cold concrete floor in a desperate attempt to sharpen it.
Any classic novels we missed? Let us know!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…