Hey there, kiddo. I’ve good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that you’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down. The good news is that we’ve done some digging (which may or may not have involved tantric sex and Ouija boards) and I can confirm you’ve got three weeks to live! I know you’re thinking you just drew the short straw, but knowledge is power, dawg. You’ve got three weeks, man. Use it!
I’ll guide you through these final days and help you be all you can be while there’s still time. I’ll help you multitask your bucket list so you can achieve all of your wildest dreams before you and your parasitic roommate shuffle off this mortal coil. Ready? Go!
Throw Your Inhibitions To The Wind
Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to bungee jump, but fear got the better of you. Here’s the magical thing about your upcoming demise: You literally have nothing to fear anymore. So I guess you can throw your body to the wind, too. Take the leap!
But don’t forget the end is nigh. Make the most of this precious time by adding a second activity for maximum bucket list potential. Have you been thinking of learning to play trombone but feared making an ass of yourself? Here’s your chance! Take a deep breath, jump, and blow. How exhilarating was that? Oh, I can promise you that the trombone playing was utterly horrendous, but who cares? You’ll be a corpse soon, and anyone who witnessed that humiliating debacle will be obligated to tell everyone they know how such a budding talent was ripped from the world too soon.
You Can’t Take It With You
That phrase is used by poors to make you believe that things are arbitrary. The real meaning of life is the friends you found along the way and whatnot. But you know what that phrase also applies to? Debt. Mountains and mountains of debt. Sure, you could set aside a nest egg for funeral costs and your family to get back on their feet after your inevitable passing or whatever, or you could pay Beyonce to perform a private dinner concert for you and your loved ones as you dine on Wagyu rib eye while drinking Cristal out of sapphire-encrusted goblets. Who’s gonna pay for it? Who gives a shit? Max out that card, bro. In a week and a half, the bank won’t be able to fucking touch you.
You Are No Longer Bound By The Laws Of Man Or Nature
What’s that? You’ve always wanted to visit the ocean? Take a walk along the silky white beach and watch the sunset? You’ve also always thought it would be cool to pet a bear? KAPLOW! Bear on a beach, bitches!
Yes, everyone is going to be mad. The people at the beach will be mad, the police will be mad, the bear will most definitely be mad. But what are they gonna do? Kill you? Joke’s on them!