The Best Sweaters With Vomit Already On Them To Get Shitfaced In
We’ve all been there: You drop a not-so-insignificant amount of money on a nice fall sweater, only for your binge drinking habit to eventually splatter it in vomit. This gets especially bad around the holidays when your alcohol abuse is paired with a variety of spew-inducing foods and activities, like tailgating, heavy spiced ciders, and cookie exchange parties. That sweater is ruined, and no amount of hand-washing is going to fix it. Which is why we’re proposing a long overdue idea: Make sure there’s vomit on the sweater before you buy it. In fact, here’s a handy list of sweaters pre-puked on to get shitfaced in. You’re welcome!
1. This Grey Cashmere Crew From Everlane
Think how cute you’ll look in this sweater in the orchard, picking apples and going on a hayride. Before long, you’ll be back in the tasting room, working on your ninth cider with nothing in your stomach to soften the blow except for a pumpkin spice latte you bought on the drive up. You’re definitely going to pray to the porcelain god, but do so freely with the knowledge that your adorable new sweater was pre-ruined.
2. A Long Knit Sweater From Mango
While you’re too old for skimpy Halloween costumes, you’ll still go to a Halloween party and drink like it’s the first Friday of freshman year. Your body thinks you’re too old for that too, and it will purge everything you’ll drink at said party. All that booze and mini-Snickers you ralphed will look fun and festive atop this comfy-yet-chic “party sweater” that had puke on it when you bought it.
3. This Net-A-Porter Scoop Neck Sweater
This luscious red sweater is perfect for wine tastings and pot lucks alike. Plus, the pre-puke was specifically tailored to accentuate the colors of the fabric. Not that it will matter when you barf a ton of Natty Lite onto it, you animal.
4. Stella McCartney Regenerated Cashmere
The fabric isn’t the only thing regenerated on this $600 designer sweater (if you catch our drift). It’s also covered in Grade A, organically-sourced vomit. So feel free to barf all over it. Just watch out for your loafers. No major retailer currently offers pre-barfed shoes.