How To Blame Santa For The Dicks You Drew On Your Kids’ Faces
As adults, we all know there’s no such thing as Santa. No flying reindeer, no sleigh, no red suit—just Mom and Dad drawing dicks on their kids’ faces, year after year. Kids understandably get a little frustrated with this holiest of holiday traditions, and your children may even employ a number of tricks and traps to catch “Santa” so he can’t draw a dick on their face anymore. However, here’s how you can continue to draw dicks on your kids’ faces … and place the blame on Old Saint Nick!
1. Remind Them It’s Santa’s Will
Everyone knows Santa has a “naughty” and “nice” list. But tell your kids there’s another, lesser-known third list for kids “who weren’t angels, but not horrible either.” Those kids get presents, and, as a warning to be better next year, a dick drawn on their face. “Hey, this is just Santa rendering his verdict,” you can tell them when they come rushing into your room on Christmas morning, crying about the dick on their face. “And it would seem he thinks you’ve got some room for improvement.”
2. Get Rid of the Evidence
Several weeks before Christmas, start casually mentioning that you don’t even own a Sharpie. In fact, has anyone even seen your Sharpie? You sure wish you had it, but you don’t. Accordingly, get rid of all the Sharpies in the house. (You’ll have to go out and buy a new one on Christmas Eve, but it will be worth it.)
3. Pretend to be Outraged
What ever form your child’s ire takes when they discover a dick has been drawn on their face, match it. If they’re screaming with rage or crying in embarrassment, you must do the same. This creates the false sense that it’s you and them vs. Santa, the jerk who drew a dick on their face. “I am going to write a strongly-worded letter to Santa and tell him what a big mean jerk he is!” is something you can say aloud.
And the Most Important Thing …
Do NOT laugh.
And remember, if your kids are old enough to hate dicks drawn on their faces, then they’re probably getting too old for Santa … which means an end to your beloved Christmas tradition of drawing those dicks. So cherish it while it lasts.