Help Us Feed These Hungry, Hungry Hippos
We’re proud to invite you to the Put Your Money Where These Hippo Mouths Are fundraiser to help support these hungry, hungry hippos. From now until some undetermined future date, we’ll be working hard to raise funds to pay for feeding these poor, starving hippos. We believe all living creatures deserve three square meals a day, and the plight of these hippos has moved us to action.
Normally, announcements like these would include some sort of goal, but hippos eat, like, a lot. Honestly, you’re expecting way too much if you want us to actually do the math for this. We tried. It’s just going to take an insane amount of cash to get these majestic animals fed, okay? We will be sure to keep you all updated once we have earned enough money to appease these glorious beasts.
Please consider a donation in exchange for an encouraging tweet of the thumb’s up emoji and the satisfaction of knowing one of Earth’s creatures will eat well tonight. We can probably also arrange some kind of FaceTime situation with Macaulay Culkin (not guaranteed). Our company will also happily match any and all donations up to $3.75, because let’s be reasonable here.
Please share the good word of our very important fundraiser with your fellow hippo-loving friends. Send it to some vegans and see how far they’re really willing to go. Set up a table in front of the grocery store and use your uncle’s bullhorn to compete with some Girl Scouts. People will tell you every little bit helps, but that is a lie. We need truly dedicated fundraisers who are ready to steal attention from other well-meaning causes if we expect to make any real impact on these hippos’ lives. We deeply appreciate your cooperation with this selfless endeavor.
*For transparency, it should be noted that donations will only benefit two specific hippos.