The Definitive List Of Best Lists In All Of Listory

February 24, 2018 by , featured in Health
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Ask any math or morphological expert and they’ll tell you that the list is by far the strongest structure in nature. A bee’s honeycomb consists of an unordered list of hexagons. Trees are assigned a list of leaves that annually drop off to be subsequently re-appended. And of course, the biological superiority of a creature directly relates to the length at which you can list its legs — putting the all-powerful millipede at the top of the evolutionary chain… the “chain” being yet another one of nature’s lists.

You too can harness the power of lists — but first, you must learn to appreciate the list’s seamless integration into all things foundational in nature and society. To do that, it is of utmost importance that you read the following list listing the objectively best lists in the listory of lists….

8. The Ten Commandments

Best Lists - 10 Commandments

To be frank: this is only on here because it’s the most famous list in listory. Purely judged by its quality alone, however, the Ten Commandments fall flat. For starters, the means in which they were transcribed were deeply flawed, as a single tablet is conservatively ten pounds. A near-stone’s weight for a simple ten-item list is unacceptable even for Biblical times.

Furthermore, a good list should grab the reader right away by appealing to his or her interests. However, the first four Commandments are centered squarely on the author (God) as opposed to indulging the reader (us). Pretty darn selfish.

7. Santa’s “Naughty Or Nice” List

Best Lists - Ho Ho Ho

One of the most important lists concerning morality as it links to class and religion, Saint Nicholas’s personal database elegantly sorts every child in the world into one of two categories: naughty or nice. While the contents of the list is never officially made public, one can determine their placement based on the value of goods received every Christmas morning. In a testament to his unwavering consistency, evidence strongly suggests that Santa is particularly hateful toward the poor and non-Christian who he finds to be the most delinquent in our society.

6. Schindler’s List

While primarily referring to a list of 850 people saved from transport to Auschwitz during the Holocaust, a “Schindler’s List” can apply to any itemized inventory made by Oskar Schindler before or after his big hit in 1944. As history’s most famous lister, Schindler would often pay for his meals in the form of lists written on napkins. Even the list of his assets written out while filing for bankruptcy went on to ironically sell for millions at auction. While life wasn’t kind to him, Oskar Schindler will always be known to history for his list-making abilities.

5. The Count-In For The Song “I Just Want To Celebrate” By Rare Earth

Best Lists Rare Earth

Obviously. It wouldn’t be a list of lists without the iconic Rare Earth count-in — which is essentially just a list of numbers performed in a festive way and then released on the prophetic album One World.

For those of you unaware, the six-headed cover art on One World symbolizes the inevitable coming of Subrahmanya — the six-headed god which represents mankind’s ascension into spiritual perfection. So, yeah… it’s a pretty important count-in.

4. Benjamin Franklin’s 13 Virtues

A lot of people love to talk about how great the Bill of Rights is, but you haven’t really read the Founding Fathers until you’ve read the lesser known 13 Virtues from The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin. Most people know it from the Dover Thrift Edition but the good shit is in the Poor Richard’s Almanac reprint. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then maybe you’re just not that into lists.  

3. This Wikipedia List Of Lists Of Centenarians

Best Lists - Wiki

It’s a list of 20 other lists containing people who can list the years they’ve been alive as being 100 or more. Does more need to be said here?

2. This List Of Lists You Are Reading

When listing lists, it’s impossible not to list the list that lists lists. This list that lists lists lists second on the list of lists because as a list of the best lists it naturally contains all quality lists, listing them conveniently in a single location: this list of lists you are currently reading. However, this list of lists cannot be listed first on its own list due to the paradox that a list of the best lists that lists itself as number one cannot exist without itself, and therefore ceases to be a list.

1. This Toptenz List Of The Most Famous Guitar Riffs Of All Time

BEst Lists - Top Tenz

Having used a precise algorithm to determine the results of this list, we can assure you that this TopTenz list of the most famous guitar riffs of all-time is the best list ever created in the history of mankind. Our method was not in determining the quality of the items being listed, but rather the rate of definitiveness each list had in properly categorizing the items. Therefore, there is no other list more conclusive to its specific subject than this TopTenz list of famous guitar riffs.


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2 Comments

  1. I once tweeted Margaret Atwood and asked her advice for new writers, and she responded with “write something you would want to read”. God probably knew that already.

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