Should I Use Nanotechnology To Turn My Stomach Into Several Cow Stomachs?
It’s the ultimate raw vegan diet. The closest you can get to your spirit goddess nature. And all it takes is one five-part series of minor, experimental surgeries to reconstruct your digestive system from the ground up.
That’s right: This season’s hottest new trend is using nanotechnology cyborg wetware to turn your human stomach into several cow stomachs so that you can thrive on just grass! It’s called gastrointestinal bovination, and it’s udderly amazing. But is it right for you?
We here at Bunny Ears care about informing your nano-surgery decisions more than anything in the whole world, so read on for our soberest advice on this important lifestyle change. I mean, have we ever steered you wrong?
- You’ll be paving the way for a cruelty-free, sustainable future, reversing global warming, and ending U.S. dependence on the foreign oil from which we manufacture the synthetic nitrogen fertilizers necessary for a conventional meat-filled American diet and its cowntless drawbacks.
- Grass is relatively inexpensive, which will help mitigate the incredible cost of the surgeries (see “cons” below).
- No more having to decide what to eat. (Note, however, that there is an incredible variety of grass options, including alfalfa, clover, brome, timothy, fescue, orchard, and rye. As far as which to eat, when, and in what ratio, you will have to cowculate that yourself.)
- Whether you know it or not, deep down, your unconscious suffers the karmic negativity of the suffering induced by your privileged Western diet and lifestyle of Philly cheesesteaks and alien-Illuminati conspiracy theory videos on the dark web. There is no greater way to cure yourself of this guilt and break free from the wheel of karmic suffering than taking the bull by the horns and turning your one human stomach into several cow stomachs so that you can just eat grass.
Okay, so this sounds like a no-brainer, right? But before you make any drastic mooooves, there are also plenty of reasons to take pause before you embark on a bold new journey of gastrointestinal bovination.
- The surgeries are tremendously time-consuming, expensive, and involve significant risk of complication, failure, and death. Even if they go well, one of your cow stomachs could fail at any time and kill you. Nano-tech cow stomachs are currently untested, unregulated, and rumored to increase your chances of all types of cancer by orders of magnitude.
- Contrary to popular belief, you will not finally be able to eat wheat grass. You still have to juice it. Nobody knows why. Also, you still can’t eat weed. Just to be clear: You won’t be able to eat anything ever again except regular grass.
- You will gain vast amounts of bulbous weight that will visibly bulge from your mid-section (technically now mid-sections). So you can forget those new summer jeans, but get ready to go all in on summer caftans, cover-ups, and djellabas! The quintessential outfit of the bovinated is, of course, the muu-muu!
- Chewing cud. While there is really no surer way to experience all the nuances of your food, many find the experience of partial regurgitation and a second round of chewing unpleasant.
- You will no longer be able to hide your emotions, as the position of your ears will now openly demonstrate whether you are feeling shy, aggressive, or mooooody.
- Because your flesh will now be exponentially more delicious, this procedure will dramatically increase the chance of you yourself being eaten.
- You automatically become a Taurus.
- Also, you will fart cow-farts.
Okay, so three big pros and seven tiny cons. That’s pretty close! So now that you’ve herd all we had to reveal about it, before you hoof it over to your local nano-surgery center, consider talking with your doctor about whether gastrointestinal bovination is right for you. After all, the steaks are pretty high! (I’m sorry if I butchered this article with so many cow puns, but I really wanted to milk it for all it’s worth.)