The Beginner’s Guide to Keeping a Lobster Alive for One Week to Win $20

Why You’re Keeping a Lobster Alive

Look, it happens to every small-business owner. Your friend starts making fun of your organic luxury pet product company, you defend it with some slightly exaggerated claims, your friend calls you on your bluff, you refuse to back down, a slightly ridiculous bet is suggested, and by the time your Uber arrives you’ve already shaken hands on it to the tune of $20.

Acquiring Your Lobster

Did you know that any old seafood section of a grocery store will just give you a lobster? That’s right, turns out you can just walk up to the counter, put on your most capable smile, maybe flash your LolliPup business card, and they’ll just wrap one up in newspaper and let you adopt it on the spot!

I named mine Mitch, for its resemblance to a high-ranking legislator. He quickly settled in with the help of some ethically-sourced, reasonably priced, completely necessary LolliPup supplies.

Giving Your Lobster a Full and Happy Life

Feeding Your Lobster

“I’m only keeping a lobster alive for a week,” you might think, “why worry about GMOs in its food?” WRONG. These delicate creatures need carefully curated environments, and part of providing a livable home environment, as your daughter told you when she phoned on Christmas, is ethically-sourced food that doesn’t reek of wheat gluten and Yellow #5. I plied my lobster with LolliPup Organic Dry Paleo Dog Food, which utilizes non-GMO ingredients and clean all-natural proteins to supply your dog with a diet identical to that of his fierce wolf ancestors. Incidentally, it’s also great for lobsters.

Providing Your Lobster with Intellectual Stimulation

Just because lobsters are natural introverts doesn’t mean they like sitting around twiddling their claws. You may be a high-powered parent with a busy calendar, but you don’t want your shy lobster to feel so misunderstood that it moves across the country! I chose LolliPup’s Organic Willow Bark Chew (delicious to dogs and humans!) and our just-released Sandalwood Puppy Ukulele. Later in the week I introduced Mitch to the hand-knitted Legume the Lobster Plush—it was like Twin Day!

Giving Your Lobster a Cozy Pad

Your lobster needs space to relax and breathe. It needs to feel comfortable having its friends over. Trust me; you don’t want the end of your time as its caretaker to arrive accompanied by the words “you smothered me” or “I felt like I could never be myself” or “god, being seen with you is so embarrassing that I literally want to die.” If you don’t have an 80-gallon saltwater tank handy, I recommend LolliPup’s ceramic Aquadog Portable Pool with Side Jets.

Helping Your Lobster Reach Its Fashion Potential

Alright, so you’re keeping a lobster alive. However, as a great person surely said at some point, simply living is not enough. Deck your crustacean out with quirky accessories! Like the LolliPup Cashmere Sweater (available in Marigold, Plum, and Moonlit Moss) or the Houndstooth Infinity ScArf. You’ll look fabulous together! Your neighbors will be envious! Your mailman will whistle! Your daughter will gasp when you pick her up from the airport and realize that LolliPup is a trendy, relevant small business and not a midlife crisis!

(I went with the Moonlit Moss sweater and waited all week for the matching Moonlit Moss Tasseled Collar and Leash to arrive so I could finally take Mitch for a walk.)

Things Not to Do

Do not get your lobster any friends. Lobsters are solitary creatures. Your lobster does not need any companions. It may, in fact, try to eat anything that resembles another lobster, as the shredded remains of Legume the Lobster Plush can attest. Anyway, friends are risky. One minute your lobster is going on a playdate; the next minute your lobster is all grown-up. You can’t understand a word it says. It thinks the shows you like are tedious and tone-deaf.

Do not get too attached to your lobster. Yes, when your lobster snuggles affectionately against your hand or decimates pellets of Organic Paleo Dog Food with an expression that can only be described as “gratitude,” you may feel the stirrings of love in your heart. But remember that the lobster is just in your life for a short time. You got it because of a bet, for god’s sake! Do not sit in your Aquadog Portable Pool and hold your precious decapod in your lap while you think about the parts of your life that didn’t turn out the way you hoped. Do not drain the pool and take to carrying your lobster around as you go about your day like it’s a small infant swaddled in an expensive sweater, because the tiny pinches of its claws remind you of what it was like to be needed.

Do not walk your lobster. As I discovered when the leash went slack halfway between the parking garage and the Arrivals terminal, lobsters can only live for so long out of the water.

So, yes, there is a chance that in the end you’ll lose $20. You’ll also have to come up with an explanation for why you can’t carry your daughter’s suitcase. (Your hands are full of dead lobster and Moonlit Moss cashmere.) The important thing to remember is that LolliPup accessories will give your lobster a rich and happy final week of life.