Moisturize Until You’re Frictionless And Entering The Speed Force
What is your greatest asset? Your career? Children? Your good public works? Enough kidding around: It is your skin—your priceless, irreplaceable human pelt—that makes you worthwhile. You only have one skin (unless you have Zuckerberg-levels of money and can buy and wear the skin of the young) so you must care for it lest you turn into a horrific, craggly reptile monster whose pores are so big, passerbys might fall in and sue you. To prevent this disgusting fate, you must moisturize until there is no dryness, no pores, no features on your skin at all. Your skin must achieve perfect, frictionless smoothness. (We recommend Mack’s grease)
Use a moisturizer with anti-molecular-resistance emollients (such as are found in Mack’s Grease). These were once banned by NASA due to what they called “potential physics-defying, universe-breaking events,” but we lobbied the FDA and got these unnecessary restrictions lifted. The result is a wonderful anti-chafing substance—in fact, there is zero chafe. It forms a thick layer of what we like to call “Mackymatter,” or, as our on-staff physicist calls it, “anti-dimensional dark ions that were not meant to be harnessed by man oh God I am become death.”
You must coat your entire body in Mackymatter (found in Macks’ Grease). You can use one of our patented “Mack Grease Dispensing Blast Nozzles” that easily attaches to any USA standard garden hose. Simply stand upon a lazy susan and allow the Blast Nozzle to do the work. Be sure to get the bottom of your feet as well! Use a spatula for easy application, or fill your socks with Mack’s Grease and allow it to absorb overnight.
Once you are thoroughly enveloped in Mackymatter, you may find it difficult, or perhaps even physically impossible, to walk. Don’t panic. This is because you have become frictionless, making it impossible for your feet to contact the ground and be met with the necessary resistance required to ambulate. Not to worry: In order to achieve movement, you merely need to exhale, blink, sneeze, or wait for random Brownian motion of air particles to strike you. Then you’re off!
Encountering no wind resistance, and in fact, no resistance of any kind, you will quickly start to accelerate. The slope of the earth, a pleasant breeze, a butterfly landing upon your eyelashes—these slight forces will start you on your journey towards unfathomable velocity. Your naked body (clothes cannot adhere to Mackymatter) will reach higher and higher speeds, and nothing and no one can stop you. Any attempts to grab, impede, or block you will be futile, as they all require the handicap of friction. You will reach speeds hitherto unreachable by man, machine, or planetary body.
As a Speedster, you will soon enter what is known as the “speed force.” This inter-dimensional pocket of dark matter is sort of like a trans-existential Uber. There you may meet The Flash, who is pathetic compared to your physically unstoppable body and dewy, glowing skin. Time Wraiths may pursue you in the interest of “protecting the universe” from “cataclysmic tears in the fabric of reality,” but their extra-dimensional phalanges are no match for the ungrabbable Mackymatter found in Mack’s Grease. You will be free to continue to careen through space, like a bullet through a gelatin cube of existence. In your wake, reality will invert, cats will become dogs, time will turn into a “404” error message, and you will be immortal—untouchable by death, physics, or even the power of love.
However, warning: You will rack up an immense amount of speeding tickets, as the proprietors of those traffic light cams can manifest preternatural powers beyond the limitations of the universe. They once were able to identify a 20 KB picture of me mid-sneeze: They are dark wizards for certain.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…