The Best (And Worst) Governments To Get Mind Controlled By
It’s inescapable. No matter where you go, the government is going to mind control you either through low tech microwaves and chemicals in the water, or with high tech nanobots in your flu vaccines. Cuba showed us what happens when an inexperienced government tries its hand at mind control using tech that is well above their comfort level, so we’ve made a nice guide to help you navigate the tricky world of being an unwitting pawn. After all, if you are going to be mind controlled, shouldn’t you get to choose which side of the shadow wars you fight for?
With over 700 islands and no standing army or air force, The Bahamas relies on its mind-controlled pawns to keep it safe in an ever-changing world. Not only would you be located in a literal paradise, but you have access to unlimited conch fritters and rum cake. Most of your missions will involve intercepting foreign nationals attempting to make withdrawals from one of the many tax shelters scattered about the islands. Straightforward low-risk work. I give The Bahamas 8 screaming dogs out of 9.
New Zealand is home to an incredible amount of unique plants and animals. Being one of the oldest land formations on earth to split away from the supercontinent Pangaea, it had a completely different evolutionary path than the rest of the world, making it home to a multitude of bird species that existed nowhere else. Their government is forward thinking, being a nuclear-free zone and the 8th Happiest Country in the world, most of your missions involve infiltrating Australian rugby matches and reminding people about how much better the All Blacks are than whatever team they support. An excellent choice if you love the outdoors and sports. New Zealand gets 7.6 radio signals coming from my teeth out of 9.
Mother Russia is the largest country in the world, consisting of over 3 Texases worth of land. Even as one of the world superpowers, they never let the success go to their head. They still operate with the same service and commitment as if they were a 10,000 person country spanning just a few thousand miles. Some of the perks of being mind controlled by Russia are the unlimited vodka and incredible tracksuits you have access to. Unfortunately, most of your missions will be dirty work, often political assassinations and election rigging. On the plus side, you might luck into a paid shitposting position, where you spend 14 hours a day trolling comment sections, Twitter, Facebook, and Reddit. Not a bad gig if you can get it. Only take this position if you are comfortable ending someone’s life or can talk shit online with the best of them. I give Russia 6.9 reporters in my walls trying to frame me for murder out of 9.
The Vatican is an area steeped in mystery and intrigue. Couple that with the built-in secrecy of the Catholic Church and the incredible architecture, and you will feel like you stepped right into a spy novel when you wake up in your underground bunker. Fitted with the latest in deprivation tank and delivery systems, The Vatican can deploy agents across the world while they gently float on a comfortable layer of relaxing water. Everyone I’ve talked to mentions how it is the most relaxed and well rested they’ve ever been. Plus you are actually controlled by The Pope Himself. He loves to take a hands-on approach to his assets, and I’ve heard that since the regime change, most of his assets are actually doing a lot of charitable work all over the world. Also the fresh pasta, I mean Italy is right there. That is why I give Vatican City 6.2 secret bible codes telling me to burn my neighbor’s car out of 9.
The small island nation of Mauritius is a beautiful natural wonderland, with deep blue waters, coral reefs, rainforests, waterfalls, and was home of the Dodo Bird. That’s pretty much their entire selling point. Being a newer government, they don’t have a lot of coverage, but their handlers are all incredibly personable and hilarious. Yeah, you are mind controlled and forced to do unspeakable covert acts against your will, but they really make you feel good about it. If you are lucky enough to be controlled by Donatien, he can tell you some absolutely beautiful stories about the island, and just life itself. I give Mauritius 5.8 spiders living under my fingernails out of 9.
North Korea has been trying to get into the mind control game for decades, but they just haven’t quite figured it out. Kim Jong-il had some progress there in the late ‘90s but scrapped it all in 2002 when Brown eyes dropped the hit 점점 (Gradually). Kim Jong-un has spent most of his mind control assets trying to infiltrate the K-pop industry in a misguided attempt to finish what he thinks his father wanted. For these reasons, I can only give North Korea 0.5 birds blinking messages at me in morse code out of 9.
Finally, we get to the United States. Yeah, you’d think they would be one of the best governments to be an asset of, what with the CIA and NSA operating in full view of the public, and the eight other secret agencies that operate just below them, but you’d be wrong. This is a country that used to be number one in the mind control game but has stagnated for decades. I mean they still use chemtrails. Canada has nanobots, Mexico has sophisticated spore delivery systems, and The USA is still trying to disperse chemicals through the air? Sure, it was genius in 1964 when they learned they could substitute sugar with high fructose corn syrup, and that it would react with the powdered aluminum and other chemicals they release, but that was 54 years ago. Not only that, but your handlers and their handlers don’t care about you at all. They don’t take an interest in your personality and just see you as a means to an end. Their missions are all incredibly cliche and show a lack of imagination that only comes from a series of administrations that no longer care. Overall they expect too much from you, and they don’t even offer healthcare. This is why America gets 0.2 celebrity clones used to sway public opinion out of 9.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…