Travel Guide: The Secret Canadian Disneyland ONLY For Illuminati

You’ve heard of Club 33, right? You know, that secret club at Disneyland you can only get into if you know the right people where they probably, like, smoke cigars and pass around a poor girl who moved to Hollywood with dreams of being an actress but ended up playing Cinderella for most of her twenties? That’s small potatoes. Those of us who are really in the know go to the secret Canadian Disneyland. Of course, we can’t tell you exactly where it is, but we can say it’s underneath a volcano just outside Toronto because you won’t be able to see it if you haven’t been granted Illuminati powers anyway. But just because it’s underneath a volcano doesn’t mean it’s not even more amazing than the Disneyland you filthy plebeians know and love. It’s beyond your wildest dreams. Here are some of the things you’ll never get to see there.

Cartoon Characters Come To Life

The most amazing thing about the secret Canadian Disneyland for Illuminati is that everything is real. They’ve engineered 6-foot rodents to entertain you at Chip and Dale’s Treehouse. They have an actual goddamn flying elephant to carry your caviar-fattened ass around. They’ve reanimated the corpses of Mark Twain and Harrison Ford to lead you through the riverboat journey and Indiana Jones’s Adventure, respectively. It’s much less annoying to get “It’s A Small World” stuck in your head when it’s being sung by living, tiny humans who you know will limp backstage after the show and beg for death.

We Really Shoot People

You know the Shootin’ Exposition in Frontierland, where you take aim at a diorama of bobbing wooden signs and other targets? In the secret Canadian Disneyland for Illuminati, those targets are people. What, did you think we didn’t have provisions for hunting humans at our secluded fantasy retreat? Is this your first day? Don’t worry—we paid them moderately.

We Go To Space

Every Disneyland ride that involves space—Space Mountain, the Guardians of the Galaxy rides, the Star Wars Launch Bay—actually takes place in space. We have a fleet of private rockets to propel us out of the atmosphere so we can really experience these beloved attractions as they were meant to. We also have a time machine for the Star Wars stuff. Unlike you common-folk, we don’t just saunter down a gallery staring at space suits—we actually go back in time to a long, long time ago and meet the people wearing them. I’ve eaten Ewok. It was delicious.

The Castle Is Basically A Multi-Level Satanic Swinger’s Club

Every room is filled with orgiastic delights I can’t even describe to you without running afoul of your adorable civilian laws, and I just don’t have time to pay off another judge. Let’s just say Cinderella does a lot more than get passed around here. Oh, she’s real, too—genetically engineered from the specifications of the original animation. And she loves it up the ass.

The Food Is Canadian

So that’s unfortunate. But …

Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Head

It’s real. It’s there. And we get to eat it.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Sjschen, Pixabay