Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is.
This week we’ll be taking you through:
The Beginner’s Guide To Your Best Battle Lashes
The eyelashes are the secret weapon in every woman’s beauty arsenal, and we mean that violently and literally. It’s an art and a science, but the right lashes can make you look younger, feel bolder, and physically fight any who shall oppose you. As with anything in life, however, you need the right tool for the job, and it can be hard to know which lashes suit which confrontations. Luckily, we’re here to help you find your best battle lashes for every conceivable situation. Forget about thickening and lengthening—we’re calling in the real reinforcements.
Situation: Walking alone at night
Solution: Mace lashes
Saturate every single eyelash in a thick coat of mace. Allow to dry, then repeat until you’ve built up the coverage to your preferred thickness. (Make sure to inject your eyeballs with milk first, or this could backfire badly.) When a threatening man inevitably approaches, innocently bat your eyelashes at him. He will be confused by the positive attention, and in the meantime, the movement of your eyelids will waft the mace in his direction, leaving him stunned by both your beauty and the irritating chemical agent burning his face off.
Situation: A rumble with the Sharks
Solution: Switchblade lashes
Use a pair of tweezers to grip each individual tiny switchblade, apply a dot of eyelash glue to its tiny handle, and firmly affix to your lash line. Continue until your eyes are completely rimmed in a circle of tiny switchblades. To activate, flick your eyes up menacingly but seductively. It might take a few tries, so don’t get discouraged (but do act quickly before you fuck it all up and accidentally cause the rival gang’s leader to stab your best friend, whom you will have to avenge in a bloody rage when you were so close to leaving this life behind).
Situation: An all-out medieval melee
Solution: The other kind of mace lashes
Using the same method as the above switchblade lash application, attach tiny but deceptively heavy studded clubs to your lash line. Admittedly, there are a number of drawbacks to this strategy—not the least of which is how hard it will be to keep your eyes open beneath heavy bludgeons. But if you’ve somehow found yourself in a chivalrous brawl, you’re not in any position to be picky. What this look lacks in speed and practicality, it makes up for in power. Just arduously wrench your eyes open and shut until you’ve built up a good momentum and start swingin’. Your attacker(s) will earnestly have no idea what hit ‘em.
Situation: Your lieutenant has gone rogue with your five wives
Solution: Guy with a flame-throwing guitar lashes
Apply a thin line of eyelash glue to a guy with a flame-throwing guitar and carefully-but- firmly press him along your lash line, starting from the inner corner and working outward. This will not get your wives back or serve any practical function whatsoever. It will, however, impress and/or terrify the actual shit out of anyone who sees your face. Be careful not to sneeze while wearing guy with a flame-throwing guitar lashes. Just trust us.