Heal Thy Neighbor By Throwing Crystals Through His Window
Brian, my neighbor, is inconsiderate, often rude, and just an all-around mess. While other neighbors can’t look past his urinating in their flower beds, I can. I know in my heart that he’s not a lost cause. His spiritual flaws can be healed. That’s why I’ve recently started hurling healing crystals through his windows whenever I get the sense that he’s in need of a spiritual rejuvenation. The guy can really use the help, and I’m here to give it to him, one 90-miles-per-hour moonstone fastball at a time.
I just want Brian to reach his full potential, so whenever I see him calling a neighbor’s kids ugly or flicking a cigarette at a dog, I know exactly what he needs. When he’s asleep or at work (or I can see him clearly through the window, but he can’t see me), I’ll chuck a healing crystal or seven through his windows. It’s my neighborly way of saying that I hope he uses them to set himself on the road toward spiritual betterment.
Brian Sucks, But He Doesn’t Have To
I don’t throw just any random crystals through his windows and then hide behind my recycling bins. Each thrown crystal is a tailored response to whatever actions he’s taken throughout the day that I feel warrant an adjustment. Turquoise—perfect for promoting honesty—is just what the doctor ordered when he says he didn’t spray-paint vivid genitalia on garage doors up and down the street and then sign the murals with his own name. Peridot works wonders for the release of emotional tension, especially good after he physically attacks my mailbox again for no reason, but the tears in his eyes suggest it’s something deep and dark. And, of course, citrine stones are for success so he can make enough money to replace all those broken windows.
The Right Crystal For The Job
Sometimes, half-naked in the middle of the street wielding a gun, Brian shouts that he feels unsafe in his own home. For that, I’ll toss a couple of gamet stones through his bedroom window to stimulate his sense of safety and trust. If he still needs reassurance that he’s welcome in our neighborhood, I’ll give him a 3-lb. chunk of iron pyrite through his back patio sliding glass door with a note containing only the word “Leave” to ward off any physical harm that may come his way. One time, I hit him with a jagged chunk of amethyst right in the head—fairly appropriate, given that amethyst is the awakener of the third eye. I can’t say that third eye ever developed, but the welt that sucker left behind—oof!
Sometimes, I get the sense that he hasn’t been using my crystals to their full effect. Healing crystals can be confusing. If I saw the clear selenite crystals (great for energy cleansing!) on my floor, I’d probably sweep them up thinking they were shattered glass, too, and then complain that I was being haunted by ghost vandals, just like Brian does.
If Brian wants to miss out on my healing crystals, fine. At least one of us is getting some spiritual uplift. I always get an invigorating secondhand current of good vibes whenever I slingshot some black tourmaline into his home to promote understanding. I want him to understand that, despite all the flaming bags of excrement on my front doorstep, I still hope my crystals can heal whatever fractured part of his soul prevents him from unifying with his neighbors. If he doesn’t get that, then I hope he understands there are a lot more fucking crystals where that came from.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…