What’s All This, Then? Objectively, Nothing Matters, So … Fuck It?
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day, you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night, you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we call it, What’s All This, Then?
In WATT, we explore the issues that humanity has wondered about since time immemorial, then permanently solve them.
We here at Bunny Ears have just discovered existentialism, and oh, boy, it is not pretty. For those of you who are as blissfully ignorant as we once were, existentialism is the branch of philosophy that seeks to answer questions like “Why are we here?” and “What is the meaning of life?” To be honest, we’d never really considered those questions, because it seemed fairly obvious: We are here to perfect our skincare routines, and the meaning of life is to pass our considerable wealth on to our descendants. But is it possible there are other answers? I mean, if there’s a whole school of philosophy about it, there just might be. We’re pretty dang smart, but we’re no Socrates or whatever. We don’t know if he’s an existentialist. He’s just the only philosopher we can name. See? We clearly don’t have all the answers.
So we posed these questions to our staff, and indeed, we were surprised by the variety of answers. Five said “shoes.” Eleven ran away screaming. Three just froze, staring in silence and weeping motionlessly. Eight said “to take down the government entities controlling our minds and watching our every move” (of course), and two said “to solve the riddle and finally take back what is mine” and refused to elaborate further.
We’re forced to conclude, as many great thinkers have before us, that life has no objective meaning. If the answers are so different for each one of us, it would seem that we’re all alone on our journeys. Seven billion people working toward no common goal. No set of shared values we can all agree upon, no god ensuring we stay on our prescribed path. We’re all working against each other in a never-ending tug-of-war based on ever-conflicting objectives, which means that in the long run, nothing we do matters.
So … fuck it? Fuck it. Eat gluten. Eat all the gluten you want and shit your brains out, because it’s apparently the only consequence it will have. Throw out your crystals. The universe is cold and unfeeling and cares not for our attempts to shape it. Rob a bank. Just rob a fucking bank. Hoard all the wealth and take it to a private island where you can walk around naked all day and swing your flopping dick in the face of an apathetic god.
That’s where we’ll be, at least. We’ll see you there. There, or hiding under our blankies.