Uh Oh, Your Dead Wife Has Been Retconned Back To Being Alive!

April 23, 2022 by , featured in Video Games
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You’ve moved the kids from your wife’s hometown to your new girlfriend’s pad, thrown out all of your late wife’s tennis rackets and cheerleading trophies, tearfully parted with all of your lovelorn photos and engraved rings, and you’ve finally moved on. Only you get a knock on the door because, guess what? While you were on the phone moving your internet service, the Justice League punched a God-Alien so hard the universe snapped and all of a sudden a lot of small things have changed. Your girlfriend’s fine, so are your kids (although you could have sworn you had one fewer before)—but, uh oh: Your dead wife has been retconned back to being alive.

What Next?

First, you need to make sure she’s actually here. You’d be surprised how many supervillains love to bring back your dead loves to mess with you. Maybe it’s a Black Mercy-induced dream and your real wife never died. But that would also mean this is all a psychosis-induced simulation and we’re a part of it. So let’s move on.

Is She REALLY Your Wife?

Once you’ve confirmed that she’s actually there, you need to figure out if she’s actually your wife. Could she be a clone or a robot? (You’d be shocked by what they’re doing with synthetic skin these days). Make sure to check closely for any zippers or makeup smears. If you have a Skrull detector, get it ready! 

Also, don’t forget to consider the fact that she could be the pre-Crisis version of your new girlfriend. If the two of them touch do they start glowing and fuse? Take note.

Are You Really YOU?

While this may be your old wife, there’s a chance that you’re not you. Maybe you’re a robot designed to look like the man you think yourself to be. Or maybe you’re a clone and the original you is still around somewhere. We’re honestly not sure how this information will help. We’re just saying it’s something to think about.

Worst case scenario, you’ll just need to wait. Eventually there’ll come another Crisis, another Dreademon that Rises Screaming from the Abyss of Idea-Tears, and when the Avengers shove their butts in its face, there’ll be another reset … and when the dust settles, hey, maybe the problem will solve itself!

Whatever the case, love will see you through. Because it’s going to take a lot of love and trust and communication for you, your new girlfriend, and your old wife to make this work. We believe in you.

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